Are you suspicious of compliments?

Do you like getting compliments? Perhaps they make you glow with pride? Or do you find them embarrassing and bat them away? Perhaps you are even suspicious at times and think the giver has an agenda?

When people reject or even ridicule compliments, it can sometimes be connected to a sense of low self-esteem. Some individuals are embarrassed by praise, perhaps feeling they don’t deserve it or that it sounds arrogant to accept the compliment. Others may go further and suspect that the giver is up to something or has an ulterior motive. These reactions may say more about how the receiver sees themselves than about the person giving the compliment.

If you regularly ignore or deride compliments, it can adversely affect you and the person who gave the compliment, both now and in the longer term. After all, putting down a compliment may reinforce a negative view of yourself.

It can also be disconcerting for someone who offered the compliment in good faith and now finds their judgement being questioned. If you reject compliments repeatedly, people may become reluctant to congratulate or commend you in the future.

 Genuinely meant compliments

Have you ever received any of these compliments?

• ‘Excellent presentation! Congratulations.’
• ‘It was so kind and generous of you to give up your ticket when you were so keen to go yourself.’
• ‘I do like what you’re wearing. It really suits you.’
• ‘I had a wonderful evening. Thank you so much.’
• ‘Fantastic food! How do you do it when you’ve been at work all day?’

What other compliments have you received?

Responses to compliments

There are two types of responses that may help neither you nor the giver.

Aggressive responses, direct and indirect:

• ‘Stop trying to flatter me.’
• ‘Don’t be silly.’
• ‘Don’t give me that.’
• ‘Who are you kidding?’
• Changing the subject sharply.
• Avoiding eye contact and ignoring the compliment.
• Making a joke at the other person’s expense.
• ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about’, belittling the other person.
• ‘What are you after, then?’- being suspicious or accusatory.

Passive responses

• ‘I don’t think so’, a self-put-down.
• ‘It was nothing’, a self-put-down.
• Looking at the floor without acknowledging the compliment.
• ‘It was Joe’s doing. He helped me write it’, giving away all the credit even though some belongs to you.
• ‘Well, it’s not surprising; I spent three weeks preparing it’, qualifying your achievement by explaining.
• ‘It was just a fluke ’, a self-put-down.
• ‘Oh, this? I bought it in a charity shop for a fiver ’, minimising.
• ‘Not half as good as yours last week’ putting yourself down by comparing yourself with the other person.

What can you do differently?

Firstly, be positive, courteous and respectful to yourself and others. Unless you have a genuine reason to think otherwise, it is far more helpful to accept the compliment and treat the giver as sincere by responding assertively.

Assertive responses include:

• ‘Thank you, I'm really pleased you’ve told me.’
• ‘Thanks for telling me. It’s encouraging to know.’
• Blushing and saying, ‘I feel embarrassed, but I’m very glad you’ve told me.’
• ‘Thanks. I was pleased too.’
• ‘Thanks. I’m pleased you thought so. I’d be glad to know precisely what you thought went well so that I can build on it next time.’
• ‘Thanks so much. I didn’t even realise.’

 In summary

Ask yourself: How would you feel if you complimented someone and they threw it straight back in your face? Would that be the last compliment you gave them?

Enjoy your compliments and allow them to build your self-worth and provide valuable feedback for the future.

And finally, don’t forget to give them too.