Boundaries: There are a lot of misunderstandings around them

Boundaries. There are a lot of misunderstandings around both setting them and having to accommodate them. You hear so much about setting healthy boundaries and how important it is to have them, almost as if you are not one of the boundaried up, you are not part of the “in crowd”, and there is something truly amiss. Or you’re rocking some kind of flaw that is going to trip you up!

Somehow, we don’t naturally associate boundaries with compassionate or empathetic people, but instead, those of us who are unavailable and/or super sorted out and in a way that is either scary or enviable, because they know something you don’t! How to keep the bad guys away because they don’t stand a chance with them in the first place.

l used to really want to be one of those people, until l figured out how to become one: Being secure through self-care. This is so key. 

Becoming aware: Employing self care 

But some of those people who employ boundaries without any kind of evident inner struggle have their own kind of struggle going on. The ones that are not coming from a place of natural security but instead from a place of avoidance might look as though it’s all easy and they live comfortably, but actually, their untouchable boundary place is caused by deep fear of vulnerability in a fortress built of their own design.

I think there is a dichotomy out there in the relationship wilderness, whereby what is ok for us and, in turn, also not ok, individually differs so much because we ARE individuals and unique, each one with our own history and emotional tapestry. So, who’s to say what is right or wrong here?

Maybe it might be helpful to take different scenarios and give a little guidance around those.

Dealing with someone who says one thing and does another

This is the hallmark of a person that is coming from a place where the boundary’s origin is from fear of intimacy and vulnerability. But this doesn’t kick off until the exchange moves from being a possibility to being something more established with expectations. This is where the hook is. The trouble here is you are already on board and available for them to disembark because you are invested in what you thought you had together. 

Personally, this scenario is something l can’t stand because it reeks of “being played” to me and someone who is wasting my time for their own unenlightened issues.

Because odds are you’re really feeling the shift, and they are feeling you feeling it. This reveals a sea of waving red flags for me and if l have or you have invested in that person, the message you begin to get is that you are not worth enough for them to show up properly. Properly being the key word here. Or that is what l used to believe, and it didn’t feel good. I don’t go there anymore, please don’t go there either.

The truth, though, is not the message you get about this being about you! No, it is about their fear and their poor values. And has zero to do with who you are and what your value as a person is.

Here’s what to do if this happens. Here is where the boundary needs to be put in place. Your boundary around theirs.

If this has happened more than once - the saying one thing and then doing another, or nothing - and the first time there was no accountability, it is also important to assume the best about the person at this stage. You already know where this is going to go, and somehow, your gut will be telling you the same thing. 

Here, you have a choice. What comes first? Do you bury and hide the fact that it didn’t feel good for you? No, you don’t. Risking a connection with the person who does this? No. Because it is up to us to draw the line in the sand not the other person. We don’t have to do this aggressively; we can do it honestly.

Put the boundary in place authenticity, and all the good feelings that go with it will be yours.

What does the boundary look like?

Something like this. You basically flag it up, call it out.

Sounds simple enough, however, it can take a bit of courage to do if you are not accustomed to putting yourself first. Tricky for a person who is anxiously attached and is more comfortable pleasing, but this ends up as resentment, and resentment ends up taking things out of perspective. When it all comes tumbling out in one heap like a cupboard that has too many things in it to stay shut! There is always a mess to sort out. 

If you are offering your attention, your continuity, your acknowledged value of the momentum between you and them, and they are ignoring you or deflecting this by not addressing it? Walk away. You already have the answer. There is no point in “figuring it out”. They’re not invested beyond the preamble. This is called avoidance, and whether it is admitted or not, their behaviour is confirming it. 

This is because, to them, the association of emotional closeness was and is abandonment, so they can go so far but not any further. Because relying on someone for their emotional needs proved to be a prerequisite of having their emotional needs neglected way back when. This is their work. Not yours, by way of fixing, or being so understanding you feel like you are diminished or by endlessly forgiving and excusing!

What is so annoying and, yes, hurtful too here, is when in the beginning, it is them who are encouraging you to open up and share anything you like with them! This can work for them in theory only. The key word here: in theory. Real life needs real exchange that is mutual, caring and respectful, not transactional.

However, when there is an expectation felt by them, this will be when somehow you will be hearing from them a little less, and it might start out as a day, then become a couple of days that then become a week, and where are they going to go with that because nobody is “that busy”! And even they will run out of ways to deflect this.

The world does not tolerate fiction indefinitely. If they can see this, then there is absolutely room for a real conversation to take place that can lead somewhere good between you, but if your wanting to flag this up is seen by them as something they need to deny, forget it.

In fact, when an avoidant person feels that things are really good, this can also trigger a need to run, deflect and dilute by creating distance. This can present itself in many forms. Ghosting, constantly being busy, being over committed, being free and then constantly rearranging. It’s crazy making stuff. Don’t go there, talk to anyone else about it, your other friends, your therapist, but not to them, because figuratively speaking, “Elvis has already left the building”.

Your boundary is yours by way of leaving it there. Letting go of the other side of the push and pull rope, your exit. They’ll feel that. They won’t say, but they will feel it. And yes, l know how absolutely infuriating that is. But it is the only way to get this and them out of your head.

Emotional detachment through silence

Personally l think this is one of the most powerful boundaries you can employ. Here is why.

What happens when someone who has presented themselves as someone who cares, who is in your corner who is in a regular supportive exchange with you, and then kind of vapourises and denies and deflects the noted absence so that you can NEVER discuss it, is you will feel inevitably disappointed and if you are left with no opportunity through their denial and deflecting but to be holding the unaddressed disappointment the one thing to do is offer your silence.

Here is where you regain your dignity. Here is where you regain your power.

In your silence, they are left with your no response. What this looks like to them will be that their stance is no longer having an effect on you, and there will be no asking or noticing, so they are left holding their own destructive tools of absence and what is unaddressed. These are useless to them without the effect they cause or the control they wield. And slowly, you will become accustomed to the change that your day will not contain contact with them anymore, and the potential and significance you thought and felt, and bestowed upon this person will realise and alchemise as changed, and therefore it will no longer resonate as a loss.  

Poor exchange. Exchange between two people that is one thing one minute and then one thing the next is too vexing to be given a regular place in your day. Or your life, or your thoughts, or your consideration.

It is far more about another’s execution of control over their complex emotions and their using their control over you as a balm for them, which they sourced through and by false offers of fealty and allegiance. It is a weaponisation and comes from a person who, at best, is in denial of their own behaviour and unaccountable, and at worst, a person who is going to bring you nothing except empty promises and always “jam tomorrow”. 

With your silence, you can regain your own emotional equilibrium and focus. 

This is a boundary.

A boundary through your own silence that says no, this is not ok, and your need to explain has become exempt through their devaluation of the exchange you thought you had together.

If you find that you are having to “figure out” why another person is behaving in a low-quality way a lot of the time. Or it is lovely and then disappearing through denial, deflection or ghosting, then the sooner you can employ a boundary the better.

Call it out from the get-go, and if this is met with lack of care and no change. What will be on offer to you, won’t be worth having.

At this stage, you can say that this is not working for you and give them an opportunity to be accountable. Sometimes when this is done, you might get a slight adjustment, but if it slips back to another re-run. The writing is on the wall by way of what they are not doing despite what they say.

Learning to put a boundary in place and when to put one there will be something that protects you from a lot of disappointment and sadness. Don’t act as if nothing happened!

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, communication, openness, and sincerity. Or you know what if they do not contain these things with someone who is going to be in this kind of exchange with you then, please pass on this, because when this kind of nonsense is going on this can be the beginning of something that will haunt you and hurt you and it will rob you of your peace and your well being. It’s emotional theft.

Going into it to “fix” it will be a waste of your energy and your inner peace. If it mirrors a childhood dynamic that is familiar, explore it with an experienced coach or therapist.
You do need the wound or the scar it will leave behind, you need to care for your own heart.

Here, a boundary will be a wisdom, not a loss or a missed opportunity. But an act of love for yourself.

Take care of yourself always.