5 ways to build self-esteem without external validation

When I first started on social media, the fear of judgment and ridicule was strong. However, these fears were not really about social media; they stemmed from deeper feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

I wanted to do a good job but was getting lost in a compulsive desire to be validated by complete strangers on social media. The truth was I could have gotten a million followers, but it wouldn’t have changed how I felt about myself deep down.

So I leaned into the challenging journey of personal growth and healing, and the more work I did to address my perceived inadequacies, the easier it became to show up authentically in my life.

When I came to social media already feeling good about myself, rather than looking for praise and validation from others, it felt like a playful and enjoyable place instead of a threatening one.

Five ways to build self-esteem

If you’re experiencing feelings of inadequacy, here are five ways to break free of this kind of thinking and build stronger self-esteem.

1. Don’t look to be validated by other people’s opinions of you

What really matters is how you feel about yourself when you are by yourself. Beware social media in particular, because when your sense of self-worth becomes closely tied to likes, followers or other people's reactions, it can leave your confidence feeling dependent on external validation.

2. Do hard things

Taking on meaningful challenges can help you recognise what you're capable of. Do things that uplift you and other people. It should be related to something that you love and is challenging.

Learn to enjoy the process, even when it’s tough. If it’s too easy, you may not feel a sense of real accomplishment. If it's too hard, you might give up. Find the sweet spot for you, and reward yourself when you hit key milestones along the way.

3. Know you have inherent value

There is only one of you on the entire planet! You are a completely unique and amazing human being with inherent value and breathtaking potential.

It can be worth questioning the assumption that external conditions- money, promotion, things, relationships, etc. have to be met before you can feel good about yourself.

4. Do the work

If you want to feel and think differently, start doing different things. Invest in yourself through growth practices like regular journaling, meditation, therapy or coaching.

The journey will not always be easy, but investing time in understanding yourself can be valuable.

5. Don’t take it personally!

If someone is mean towards you and you haven’t provoked them, try not to automatically treat their behaviour as evidence of your worth. Their reaction may say as much about what is going on for them as it does about you.

Instead of giving your power away and allowing their behaviour to define how you feel about yourself, consider how you want to respond and what importance you want to give their opinion.

If feelings of inadequacy or a reliance on external validation are holding you back, coaching may provide a space to explore your self-beliefs, recognise your strengths and consider how you want to move forward.