Social conditioning: Impact on confidence

Social conditioning. It's the process through which we learn the behaviours, beliefs and expectations considered acceptable by the society and communities around us. It’s a term that gets used a lot and I’m still not sure we all really understand it – what it really means for all of us.

What's interesting is how much of this is shaped by external expectations – what others approve of, rather than what we actually think or want. While some shared social expectations can help us connect and belong, others can encourage us to seek validation, follow the herd and make choices that don't reflect who we really are. This can undermine our confidence. So, why do we do it?

Fitting in is not belonging

The short answer – I think – is belonging. We want to belong. We want to be part of society and stay connected to people and structures within it. Humans have a deep fear of isolation, loneliness and being cast out, which is actually very sensible. We all need connection to survive and we all tend to survive better if we have it. But somewhere along the line communication has gotten mixed up, because actually connection can happen when, being authentic, being vulnerable – and not when we are trying to do what we think we need to do to fit in or please others. And confidence can grow when we learn to trust ourselves and our own instincts – not just what others think. So, some forms of social conditioning may not serve us in the way we are told they will.

Social conditioning is insidious

And yet, despite the fact that some forms of social conditioning can restrict our choices and confidence, social expectations can be strongly enforced by the group against someone who steps outside it. And, because it’s insidious, we are often operating from a socially conditioned place without having any knowledge of it.

For example, consider the way people sometimes judge others for stepping outside traditional expectations. A woman who chooses not to have children may be questioned about her decision, while a man who expresses vulnerability may be told to 'man up'. These reactions can reflect learned beliefs about how people are expected to behave, rather than what is right for the individual.

When we absorb these messages, we may begin to question our own choices or feel that we need to change who we are to gain acceptance.

Just because everyone does it, doesn’t make it right

I often hear social conditioning dismissed as harmless or "just the way things are always done." And it makes me a bit sad (sometimes angry) because I think this can prevent us from questioning expectations that may be holding us back. And also because life can get a lot better on the other side of challenging unhelpful social expectations, whether we’re talking about confidence or freedom from shame. But that place is only accessible when we acknowledge that just because something was historically the norm – or lots of people do it – doesn’t make it healthy, right or a route to a happy life.

3 ways social conditioning can affect confidence

Stepping back from the wider negative impact of social conditioning for a second, let’s look at how this could be affecting you and the way you’re living your life. Here are three of the most common examples of social conditioning and how they can impact you.

"I’m too old"

The world we live in has constructed narratives around age that feel like truths. But the reality is that what we look like, how we feel and what we’re capable of at any age is going to be very individual. When you start to look deeper into this social conditioning the 'truth' of it soon unravels. For example, you will find examples of women who have babies after 35, people who successfully start new careers at 50, and men and women achieving incredible physical feats in their 60s. While age, health and individual circumstances can create genuine limitations, many goals and dreams may still be achievable later in life. It’s also about your level of self-belief, confidence, physical readiness and energy.

How this can limit you: Not doing the things you want to do after a certain age. Losing confidence as you get older because it feels like you’re past it or time is running out. Or trying to tick boxes before big birthdays out of fear rather than joy, excitement or motivation.

"It’s not feminine/masculine"

Ideas about gender are changing, but a lot of social conditioning remains deeply embedded in terms of what it means to be a certain gender. For example, some children may grow up surrounded by expectations about which careers, interests or behaviours are considered appropriate for boys or girls. Girls may be encouraged towards appearance and caring roles, while boys may be encouraged towards adventure, independence or traditionally masculine pursuits. These expectations can influence what children believe is possible for them.

As adults, there can be a lot of judgment around everyday things like what we wear, body hair, how we speak, the jobs we do and how assertive or emotional we are 'allowed' to be. And we regularly enforce this on one another by being judgmental. Often because someone not fitting what we see as gender norms can challenge our own beliefs about what is acceptable – or make us question the expectations we've followed ourselves.

How this can limit you: through how you feel you are 'allowed' to show up in the world. Where you place limits on yourself in terms of wealth, power, position, compassion, and growth. What do you see as the extent of your parenting role or expectations in relationships? How vulnerable and emotional you feel it is acceptable to be. 

"Other people wouldn’t approve"

The idea of "other people" or "everyone else" is something I come up against a lot as a coach. And also in myself, if I’m being honest. It seems to have been something that many of us were almost threatened with as children (probably by parents to whom the same was done by their parents).

It’s a powerful way social conditioning can influence our behaviour, if you ask me – taking the idea that there is some kind of block of people who do things better/more appropriately/in a more acceptable way than you do and using it to try to get someone to behave in a certain way.

That could look like someone telling you that "everyone else is fine with that" or "no one else does it like that." It can also show up in much subtler ways, such as the way we tell women over a certain age what to wear (and not wear), how we make emotional men feel if they have certain feelings in front of us, or telling someone their honesty is disrespectful because they are younger.

Social conditioning can lead us to believe that there is this mass of connected others who all do things the same and are judging us. But the reality is that we are all individuals with our own values, experiences and expectations. Often, the messages we absorb come from the media, social institutions, advertising or people who have been influenced by similar expectations themselves.

How this can limit you: instead of living your life your way based on your values and goals, the standard feels like it should be 'to fit in' and do what others do to avoid being disapproved of. Which is, of course, an impossible standard – and a movable one, depending on who is trying to enforce it on you.

Social conditioning is insidious because it can feel like part of who we are and what we believe in even though some of these beliefs may simply be learned habits or expectations we've never thought to question. Also because it comes with this sense that older generations, the establishment, the status quo and the loudest voices are 'right.' Once you begin to recognise and challenge these expectations, it’s actually possible to see who you are capable of being and to start building the kind of trust in yourself that is the foundation of true confidence. Because unhelpful social conditioning can become another limit – one that we may unknowingly place on ourselves in order to fit in. But, like I said at the start, the actual impact can be to make you feel isolated and alone and make it hard to connect because you don’t feel OK to show up just as you.

Challenge a belief that's holding you back

Think about something you've always believed you should or shouldn't do. Perhaps you've told yourself you're too old to change careers, that certain activities aren't for someone like you, or that other people wouldn't approve of your choices.

Take a moment to reflect:

• Where did this belief come from? Was it something you learned growing up, heard from others or absorbed through social expectations?
• Is it really your belief? Does it reflect your own values and ambitions, or what you've been taught to expect?
• How is it affecting you? Is it preventing you from pursuing something important or making you question your abilities?
• What could you do differently? Consider one small step you could take towards making a choice that feels right for you.

You don't have to challenge every expectation or make a big change overnight. Simply recognising where your beliefs come from can help you make more conscious decisions about how you want to live.

Undoing unhelpful aspects of your social conditioning starts with self-discovery and building an awareness of what you’ve absorbed and how this is affecting you. Confidence is so often where we are hit the most by this kind of shaming, so confidence is where you may really feel the benefit if you do the work to challenge the expectations you’ve unconsciously learned.

This is the kind of self-discovery that coaching can support. Working with a confidence coach can help you recognise beliefs that may be limiting you, reconnect with your values and build the confidence to make choices that feel right for you.