10 confidence killers and how to avoid them

We demonstrate the confidence and belief we have in ourselves in a number of ways: our behaviour, our mood and even how we carry ourselves. Whilst some people seem naturally confident, often it doesn’t come naturally, so we need to work on it sometimes.

Below are 10 possible confidence pitfalls to recognise and avoid:

1. Negativity around you

What I mean by this is the things we are exposed to: the things we read, watch and the people we hang out with. Unless you are very resilient, staying positive and confident around negativity can prove a challenge in itself.

If certain relationships consistently leave you feeling undermined or negative, consider whether you need to limit the time you spend in them or establish clearer boundaries. That doesn’t mean that you don’t like the person. It can simply mean that you respect yourself.

2. Language you use

The language we use can impact how we feel and behave. If you feed your mind with negative language, don’t expect to feel positive, motivated and confident. Build your awareness of what language you feed your mind with. Is your self-talk generally supportive, or is it frequently critical and undermining?

Do you say to yourself “I am not good enough”, “I don’t deserve it” or “I know I can do it” and “I feel good about myself”?

Once you are aware of your narrative, you can work on improving it and increasing your confidence.

3. Body language

How we carry ourselves can sometimes influence how we feel and how others perceive us. Think about your body posture, eye contact and how physically comfortable you feel when interacting with other people.

If you want to feel more confident, experiment with changing your posture to reflect confidence. Take your eyes off the floor, smile, breathe deeply, and have an upright posture with shoulders back. Making these small changes may help you feel more confident as well as influence how others perceive you.

4. Worrying about things you have no control over

It’s normal to worry sometimes. Unfortunately, many people worry about the past and future - including things they have little or no control over. I even know people who worry about worrying.

You are unlikely to feel confident if you are constantly worrying, especially about things you have no control over. You have no control over your past and limited control over the future. You may not be able to control the emotions that arise, but you can work on how you respond to them and to the situation you find yourself in.

5. Not treating mistakes and failures as learning

Going back to the previous point, how you react to a situation can influence what happens next.

Let’s say you’ve just received a phone call saying that you didn’t get the job you had interviewed for. You could react by saying: “I am such a failure”, “I am just not good enough”, “I am never going to get this job”, etc. Or by saying: “Never mind, at least I had a chance to practise my interview skills”, “Next time I will be better prepared”.

Failure can be part of the process and, if we are growing and taking risks, then failing isn’t abnormal. Your mistakes, but most importantly how you respond to them, can provide opportunities to learn and become more resilient.

6. Beliefs

Some people are more confident than others, and one thing that can distinguish confident people is their beliefs about themselves and their capabilities.

When confidence is low, limiting beliefs can feel particularly convincing and may influence how we interpret situations. We can talk ourselves into believing things about ourselves even when those beliefs are harmful rather than helpful.

So pay attention to which beliefs are getting most of your energy.

7. Perfectionism

There is nothing wrong with having high standards. It only becomes a problem if you can’t move on or take action because you are bogged down with details and things that you think are not good enough.

When do you stop listening to your inner critic? Where do you draw the line?

If you don’t trust yourself to do something because of your perfectionism, then you are not going to feel confident. Confident people can learn to take action without needing to know that everything will be perfect or that they will always be right.

Don’t let the fear of taking action prevent you from taking any action at all.

8. Always staying in your comfort zone

You can be amazing at what you do, but if you only do what you are amazing at, you can lose your confidence in doing other things. Most of us prefer to stay in a comfortable, secure place, doing things we know rather than stretch ourselves to do things that challenge us.

The more you gradually challenge yourself outside your comfort zone, the more opportunity you have to build confidence in doing unfamiliar things. Challenge yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable to start with, and increase your flexibility and confidence a little more over time.

What manageable step could you take outside your comfort zone?

9. Resisting change

Whether you love or hate change, the chances are, at some point, you will be exposed to it. Change can be positive, negative or simply uncomfortable, but developing flexibility can help us respond when circumstances change.

If you are not happy about whatever is happening in your life and you avoid making changes that are within your control, things may stay the same. To get different results, outcomes and feelings, we may need to try something different.

Work on developing your flexibility and outlook towards change so you feel more confident approaching it when it comes.

10. Worrying about what others would say

People have their opinions about things and people, just like you have your opinion about others. Building confidence can involve learning not to let other people's opinions define what you can or can’t do.

People don’t always agree on things, but that doesn’t automatically make you wrong. Learn to listen to yourself and trust your judgement, rather than taking negative comments made by others too personally or continually trying to impress others.

Concentrate on building quality relationships with people who support you, trust you and respect you, and the opinions of those who don’t really matter to you may become less important.