Relationship Goals- Step 4 How realistic am I being about this relationship
For this I have divided a scale of FANTASY to REALITY, sometimes we think a relationship is something it is not because we want it to be. We don’t see out partners faults or listen to alarm bells because we don’t want to. This is a FANTASY relationship. Symptoms of a FANTASY relationship are:
- Not asking questions you are scared to hear the answer to.
- Not being entirely honest with yourself.
- Not listening to your instincts.
- Getting angry or defensive when friends or family question the relationship.
- Not getting the things you want from that relationship.
- Not communicating openly and honestly about what you want.
- Believing that it is ok to settle, someone is better than no one.
- Trying to change yourself to be something someone else wants you to be, when you are fine the way you are.
- You don’t have shared goals or values, e.g. you have always dreamed of a white wedding and they are a commitment phobe
If something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t. The signs are all around you just have to stop to look and listen.
Sometimes we choose fantasy relationships because we can’t believe our luck that that person wants to go out with us and think we should be grateful. We might confuse lust with something more. Perhaps it has satisfied some part of your ego to have a relationship with that person. Perhaps we want to rescue someone. Maybe it is safer to have a relationship we know deep down inside wont work out because we are scared or feel we are not worthy of having the adult, real relationship of our dreams.
What ever the reason here is what REAL relationship looks like so you will know how to spot one when it comes along:
- There is honest open communication
- You feel comfortable and relaxed with each other and can be yourself
- You have mutual respect for each other
- You have fun together and enjoy each others company
- You trust them and feel safe in that relationship.
- You have real affection and passion for each other.
Real relationships are not always exciting and full of fireworks, sometimes they have to be worked at, but if you feel that what you have is real, full of respect, safe, fun, relaxed, comfortable and affectionate then go for it.
If the relationship is more of a fantasy than a reality then move on, unless you are happy to stay in the fantasy for a while longer. As long as you are aware what you are choosing you will feel in control of the situation.
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Karen Hayns MSc - Future PerfectSeptember 11th, 2017