How to spot red flags in dating and relationships

Red flags are warning signs that can indicate unhealthy, toxic or abusive relationship dynamics and that a person might not be suitable for a healthy, long-term relationship. Red flags are not always immediately evident, so it’s important not to rush through the milestones of dating/relationships to give yourself the best chance of getting to know someone.

Learning to recognise and address red flags is part of the self-development and life empowerment strategies I work with my clients on. This allows them to protect their well-being, set boundaries and make informed decisions about whether someone they are dating or the relationship they are in, is healthy and should continue.

One red flag might not be a cause for concern, however, if someone exhibits several red flags then I would be very cautious about embarking on a relationship with them. If red flags are not addressed, they can become even more problematic because they usually do not go away on their own.

So, what are some common red flags and how do you deal with them?

1. Communication

Poor communication

Open, honest, respectful, two-way communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of deeper emotional intimacy. A partner who avoids meaningful or emotional discussions does not listen to you and refuses to express their feelings is not a good sign. For relationships to develop, we want partners who can communicate with us to resolve conflicts, build trust and do the work required to have a healthy relationship.

You will not always agree, but you should feel safe, secure and supported by your partner to be able to say how you feel and what you need. It is a red flag if you are unable to do this.

Excessive criticism or belittling

In relationships, we should support and uplift our partners and appreciate the worth we each bring to the partnership. Belittling and constant criticism from a partner, in private or in public, can lead to feeling diminished and unworthy. When criticism is excessive, it can be very harmful because it is controlling and a sign of an imbalance of power within a couple. Constant criticism over someone’s appearance, intellect or interests chips away at self-esteem and causes a lack of self-value and worth which can spread outside of the relationship.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where someone makes you doubt your reality, memory, or perceptions. I see it in coercively controlling relationships, as it is a form of emotional abuse. A partner might tell you that things did not happen, that you never had conversations, twist your words and ultimately make you question your whole reality. It is incredibly damaging because it can erode self-esteem and self-belief. If you recognise this then it's important to seek support from friends, family, or a professional like me, as it can be a sign of wider toxic behaviour within a relationship.

2. Behaviour towards you

Controlling behaviour

This is a biggy for me - controlling behaviour is a major red flag. If you do not feel that you have the respect of your partner and the autonomy to live life the way you want to or make choices for yourself, then be cautious. Control can be subtle to begin with, often disguised as being ‘caring’ and ‘protective’, but it is very harmful. The control often escalates - starting with things like being told what you can wear and who you can spend time with. However, it can lead to isolation from friends and family or having no say in decisions or what you can do.

Jealousy and possessiveness

Some people think if their partner is jealous it means that they love them. However, excessive jealousy is a red flag because it can be a sign of control. It is not healthy to have a partner who is always suspicious, constantly accuses you of cheating or becomes angry when you spend time with others.

Sometimes jealousy stems from previous hurt and trauma, say if your partner was cheated on by an ex. If they are willing to work through this with communication, building trust and possibly professional help then it can be overcome, but if they refuse then that can create toxicity in relationships. 

Disrespecting boundaries

Boundaries are essential in any relationship but are an area that people find incredibly difficult in my experience. Your boundaries define what is acceptable to you in terms of your needs and behaviour. A partner who disregards them demonstrates a lack of respect for you. People-pleasers often have trouble upholding boundaries - but you can be a kind, compassionate person and create healthy boundaries for yourself. 

Also, remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.

Inconsistency

Consistent words and actions over time help us feel secure and clear about where we stand and the level of commitment of our partner. Red flags might be when the person you’re dating says one thing but does another, frequently cancels arrangements or says they want to meet you but never makes a firm plan. They may not be fully invested in your relationship or getting to know you; be emotionally unavailable and so not ready for an emotionally intimate relationship.

Rushing the relationship

Before you get too deeply involved with someone it is essential to get to know them. This takes time. If you’re dating someone who wants to rush through relationship milestones like exclusivity, sharing finances, moving in together and getting married, then be very cautious because it could be a sign of insecurity, avoidant attachment style or coercive control. 

Ensure you fully understand who someone is at a comfortable pace to you.

3. Behaviour towards others

Past relationships

Part of getting to know someone involves discussing past relationships in an emotionally mature manner. How a partner talks about previous partners and past relationships can indicate patterns of behaviour that may be toxic, show a lack of responsibility and self-awareness or unresolved trauma. Red flags to look out for here might be constantly bad-mouthing exes, refusing to take any responsibility for breakups or continuing to be obsessed with their previous partners. 

Disrespect towards others

Respect and kindness should be core values within healthy relationships and if you notice that your date or partner shows little respect towards others then it can indicate that they generally don’t hold ‘respect’ as one of their core values and this may in time show up as lack of respect to you. I would consider it a red flag if someone is rude, dismissive or abusive towards others, whether it’s waiters, strangers or their family.

4. Other potential red flags

Lack of common relationship goals and life vision 

It is very hard to have a healthy relationship if you do not share values, visions for your future lives and common relationship goals, so don’t overlook these, as they can cause relationship breakdown later on.

Substance abuse 

This can be very challenging to navigate and you must prioritise your health and well-being.

Top tips if you spot red flags

• Don’t ignore them because they won’t just go away.
• Be clear about what your core needs are in a relationship and the kind of behaviour that would be unacceptable towards you.
• Set clear boundaries based on your relationship needs.
• Communicate openly and honestly with the other person about what you’re noticing and how it makes you feel - and if you can’t do this, then that is a red flag in itself.
• Get opinions from close friends and family about what you’re experiencing. Although they may be slightly biased, it is still good to see what they think.
• Seek the skills and expertise of a trained relationship and divorce coach.
• Trust your gut instinct. Learning to listen to your gut and act on it is so important.
• Don’t be afraid to walk away from someone if your core relationship needs are not being met.

Dating and relationships can bring joy, companionship and love. However, not every relationship is healthy, and not every partner is good for us.