Why the connection stops - and when it does, let it

You have formed a new relationship with someone that you really like, they seem to really connect with you, and you with them, then somehow (and this can be subtle, but it will be felt), they are less in contact or perpetually busy or need to cancel or rearrange and you begin to get this feeling that you are the one “trying to get together” and they are just endlessly putting obstacles of one kind or another in the way.

Of course, a lot of these will be perfectly normal things that someone might need to do - like work, or see family, or travel - but getting to actually see them will seem like something that never quite happens and, if it does, it will be time-limited and more one-off than a regular thing that gathers the kind of momentum that becomes a relationship.

Maddening, l know, and l have been in this exchange, that was an exchange, that isn’t an exchange, many times and, you know what? It never feels good.

If you are potentially in this low-quality exchange, it begins to feel so frustrating, and there is always, always, always, always a slight exchange, justifiable absence and the more frustrated you get, the less you will receive.

Here’s what’s going on:

Avoidance

The avoidance kicks off the nanosecond any kind of relational expectation kicks in.

So the rhythm is they want to get off when you want to get in.

You’re not going mad. You’re not “imagining” it, and if they don’t want to explain why for real, in an authentic way, then it's time to mimic their behaviour and back off.

Now this isn’t a great place for you, l get that, because it was all looking like they were really connecting with you.

Also “What’s the point?” resonates through your thoughts and feelings and this familiar awful stateless thing between you that seemed to have such potential becomes somewhere you can no longer be real unless you tell them exactly how you feel and it is heard and valued. Odds are your feelings will be a ghastly melange of hurt, disappointment and anger.

It is our job and theirs to be respectful and communicative. The silent treatment is not a healthy way to show up when the tactic is also alongside of it to deny it! 

A healthy relationship exchange - whether it is friendship or romantic - should be a safe place for us to talk about how we feel.

We are not wrong for wanting to have our experience validated either. Not stone-walled or gas-lit.

Of course, these relationships never start off like this because, if they did, you wouldn’t be here now reading this and feeling angry with them and yourself. But hey, here you are, and it may well be (it was for me) here you are, again.

One of the reasons that makes sense to me here is that we are fighting old battles with new partners, and l think that this is at the core of this dynamic, which is why it feels so raw still. 

It’s old pain. 

Years ago, someone once told me that when you bury pain, it remains in mint condition and it really does.

When we engage with old coping mechanisms that are destructive in the present they don’t work. We get hurt again and again in a dynamic that feels like we are not being heard which feels like we are not being valued. Abandonment is also at the core of this because if it is an old feeling from childhood where our survival relied on the connection, then it will feel somehow inappropriately intense when it is being played out in an adult connection whereby survival doesn’t come into it. 

It is an old battle and one that took place when we were helpless and had to uphold whatever emotional dynamic kept up safe, connected and accepted. Loved basically, and if not loved, at least safe enough to prevail without fear.

Yes, it is deep stuff and understanding it is part of how it helps because the brain wants to know why. 

How to heal it and also how to stop the attraction to being in this space again and again, because it is felt as known normalcy, is where the work is.

What is the work here for us?

Awareness 

I say this again and again because it is true. We cannot change what we are not aware of.

So a gentle place to start is with no blame and no blaming.

Please do not blame yourself, you are just using an old survival tool because it is the only one you have. But now you have to find a new way to regulate your central nervous system. And give you a better toolset.

If someone is out of rhythm with you, call it out. It has to be a spoken boundary - not one that is acted out by silence or withdrawn affection.

Also important: Can the person who is avoiding or not showing up after the initial “I’m so on board with you“ hook take accountability and show up in their own actions? If not, then you can add a narcissistic trait to what is showing up and my advice would be to find an exit.

Accountability is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship and relating capability and if it’s not there then this kind of exchange is not going to amount to anything you will want to keep at all. It will just keep you in triggered response wondering if you are to blame all the time. 

Avoid the pain

When you do, and it is a choice you can make, it might feel unfamiliar at first but after a short while, it will become much easier, believe me.

Don’t go to an empty well for water, you won’t find any.

Or seek reassurance from the person who is withholding it.

For whatever their reasons are, they are just not on board in the same way that you are.

So stop driving it all. Take a backseat.

Change the understanding of this exchange in your own head. It’s not a relationship, and certainly not what you thought it was going to be.

Let the space that their actions create become something they are in on their own. Leave the dance, you’re out of step with each other, and find another dance partner. One that feels far better than this.