Why perfectionism is holding you back – and how to let go

Many of us are affected by the drive to be perfect, giving 100% of ourselves to every minute of every day. It could make you the 'perfect' employee, partner, parent, child, friend, but where does that leave you?

The impossible pursuit of giving 100%

It is impossible to give 100% to everyone and everything without, at some point, burning out. Anxiety is the natural response to feeling insecure, so if you are running on empty, frightened of the consequences of not being perfect, then you will no doubt benefit from an adjustment to your mindset.

Where does perfectionism come from?

The fear of not being perfect often starts in childhood, yet by the time we become adults with multiple responsibilities, it can become unachievable and exhausting, affecting both mental and physical health, contentment and happiness.

In childhood, parents, school and friends reward good behaviour with gold stars, certificates and acceptance. I am not saying that this is a bad thing, as it is the carrot that teaches us that hard work and good behaviour reap the rewards. Although in later life, when our days are full, juggling parenthood, career, a home, friendships and multiple commitments, it is exhausting.

We naturally fear rejection and consequently put others' needs before our own, accepting the invitation, taking on too many tasks, and saying yes when internally you are screaming no. The secret is to change perspective. Putting yourself first is not selfish; it is self-care. When you make it about you rather than about others, you can often accept any consequences from your actions. A coach can equip you with the inner confidence and tools to say no and to do this with grace and at peace with yourself.

Parenthood can also amplify your need to be perfect. We all want the best for our offspring and for them to be happy, healthy and successful. Yet the drive to be the perfect parent, to provide the perfect upbringing and the perfect family, is near impossible.

Also, providing the perfect childhood can be detrimental to their learning life skills. Our children are watching, absorbing and copying; they are so intrinsically linked with their parents that they will feel their anxiety even if they are smiling. Watching parents make mistakes, showing their emotions and overcoming obstacles is how they learn resilience in a safe environment. Being imperfect will help them to understand themselves and make mistakes, and be in tune with their emotions, safely.

The hidden cost of saying yes

Both men and women have busy lives, with both often juggling careers and families. The most stressed I have ever been was when I was in my 30s, working full-time with two children and the majority of chores falling to me. I regularly ranted that I was not 'Cinders', full of resentment and frustration that this was not what I signed up for, and my physical self paid the price.

I had to accept that I could no longer give everything 100%; it was a pivotal moment in my recovery. Fast forward a few years, and I ditched the cleaning regime and got myself a horse. Now looking back with wisdom, I can see where it all went wrong, but when you are in it, you cannot see the wood for the trees, you are just living in survival mode with a forever to-do list and a knot of anxiety, caffeine and adrenaline getting you through.

Letting go of the need to be perfect

In our society, we can have several careers, adapting to reflect our lifestyle. In our early years, the motivation could be the home, the car, holidays and wardrobe, but as we age, these things can become less important and creating joyous memories is the aim, although quite often this realisation can come too late.

If you are reading this and resonating, I urge you to listen to your instincts, take the plunge and reach out to a coach. A coach can give you the non-judgmental space to look at your life with clarity and make the necessary changes with logic and confidence.

Everyone and their dog has a 'perfect' relationship on social media, but it is impossible to achieve; we are all human and learning as we go along. We often compare ourselves with others, and the need for Christmas jumper photos with gleaming smiles often hides the real life we are living behind closed doors. Imposter syndrome is a parasite that will rob you of happiness. You never can tell what is going on in people’s minds, as often the most successful are fuelled with self-doubt, anxiety and perfectionism.

Revisiting your values and boundaries

Revisiting and identifying our values will ensure we are clear with our boundaries. This is a powerful exercise to ensure that we are not just who we were raised to be, but who we want to become, how we wish to be received and identified going forward. Your past was a learning experience and is only part of the picture; you, at any point, can decide to change and become the person you want to be, not perfect but authentic.

To change your thoughts, your perception, and your mindset will set you free, and a coach can provide you with the tools and freedom to do so, safely and with confidence.