Relationships

We are wired for belonging: Why is it so important?

By Gail Berry

Published 1st April 2025

“Connection shouldn’t cost you your peace.” I once heard this from someone I deeply respect, and it stuck with me. It's such a clear and simple wisdom - and yet, when people we have a relationship with begin to hurt us, we lie to ourselves about it. We lie to them by hiding our hurt. We try to fit around what we think will keep us in a relationship with someone that we're not being ourself with anymore, who is clearly showing us who they are.

But here's the truth - not everyone has good intentions or your back. Staying in that kind of relationship (no matter who they are or what your history with them is) means having something - yes - but not something that brings peace or happiness.

Even if there's some intermittent happiness, there will be fear - fear of loss all the time, fear of not being good enough. And underneath there will be anger too - anger with both them and yourself.

Because connection is so innate, so vital and connected to our survival, we often ignore the signs, even when we know we shouldn’t. Even when what was once balanced, mutual, and loving has shifted - you'll have that feeling in your gut that it doesn't feel the same anymore.

This is a sign. Please don’t think you need to doubt it or second-guess your own alarm system. If you feel a change, however subtle, pay attention to it.

Always talk it through. A friend, a lover, a family member or a colleague who has your back will want to reassure your peace.

When connection is real, it should never ask you to self-abandon.

How to protect your peace and maintain your dignity

Please remember, you do not have to choose someone and, in turn, lose yourself. People with good intentions or who love you will not ask this of you.

Freedom starts with a choice

Not every relationship that you end up having difficulties with started difficult. No, these usually start off being amazing!

So please, it is not about how it was - it is about how it is now.

A lot of the time, leaving something will also involve grieving it.

In the darkest moments of it, you might think you cannot be without this person, especially if you have a history with them. But if, for the mainstay, you are feeling more knots in your gut than lightness in your heart, then you already know the answer.

Belonging is primal - but so is safety

To feel truly safe, we need more than just physical security – we need psychological safety too.

This has a lot to do with being emotionally claimed, accepted, and seen.

If your early experiences of relationships were insecure or unstable, you may carry doubts about your value and worth.

And if no one ever showed you what secure connection really looks like, how could you possibly know how to create or expect it now?

This isn’t your fault.

But it is something you can now start to understand – so that your future relationships aren’t replays of old patterns or unresolved longings.

When we don’t know what healthy belonging feels like, we may make room for relationships that are misaligned or even harmful. Our understanding of connection becomes misinformed or maladaptive - and that’s something we need to bring into awareness now.

Because the truth is: So much of your happiness depends on learning this - and choosing differently - moving forward.