The voice of truth doesn’t come from badly behaved people

Why would you allow a person who has lied to you and treated you badly to be the loudest voice of truth in your life?

Have you ever been caught up in this awful, disempowering place?

Take heart, because it is far more common than you might think, and it is entirely possible to learn how to prevent yourself from being there or going there again, and discover what lies behind the things that cause it.

Even though this sounds like it is somewhere that nobody would want to give a free pass to, doesn’t it?

This huge and obvious unsuitability between someone with noble intentions and someone who was more “persona non grata” and definitively disingenuous exists.

Here are some of the reasons why you find yourself here:

• abandonment issues
• low self-esteem 

These partly explain the 'why', but what if our attachment style, our low self worth issues and our longing to belong, as well as our tirelessly upheld good intentions, keep us tied to our hopes, rather than what is historically and factually unrealistic letting the bad treatment be absorbed, rather than the facts that get repeated again and again take precedence over them not kicking in?

Then the internal chaos this creates within our own beliefs wins the day, we say to ourselves, ”l can’t believe l let this happen again”, whilst we are likely to be feeling angry with them and with ourselves, and the effect it has on us causing health problems too, because abuse has an insidious effect on our well-being in every sense and this is going on even when the writing on the wall was there in truth years ago, and probably on many other occasions.

This returning to the empty well for water syndrome, or hoping somehow if we did enough, or were good enough, then surely somehow it would all come, right? Well, it won’t, and that isn’t the way it works.

It keeps us looking for a saviour, looking to be rescued by the right one, the one who would never behave like that. To be fair, this can happen, but in the meantime, how do you live a fulfilled, happy life in between, because there is no guarantee that it will, and living on a promise could be a hope that is unrealised, rather than unrealistic.

Don’t you deserve to put far more security around determining a far better outcome?

Also, what does come into play here is how, if we don’t address our own part in this kind of corrosive repeated exchange, then we never get to feel whole in our own authenticity and experience an indestructible sovereignty – not good in our own shoes. From there, we meet others on a level of equal standing, rather than where we can be rescued by those we are attracted to alone, instead of those whose quality of exchange with us allows them to hold a lauded place in our minds and hearts – and indeed our life – which is not upheld by them.

Why wouldn’t we naturally want this? What gets in the way?

When we are still hanging out with people who behave in a low-quality way, it is exactly what some of us who are most probably prone to being anxiously attached do! What should be meritorious is exchanged for not being alone.

So fear is what is driving this.

Somehow, the countless good things you did to garner love and acceptance, which is something that you believe has always to be earned, there is no reciprocal earning going on, and not only that, but you can generally add abuse to this picture. 

The importance of consequences 

Consequence matters.

So, if no consequences are felt by the one taking things, as well as taking your continued loyalty and presence for granted, why would they bother to up their game and give you respect? It is also far more likely that they won’t.

We have to become self-reliant in this; we have to “wake up and smell the coffee”.

What helps you sort this out

I think, as l have written before, awareness is key here.

All change begins with awareness.

We can take ownership of finding out more about how and why we relate. We can listen to podcasts, read articles, like this hopefully, and have begun to explore with a coach or therapist that you feel you can connect with, whose work is very much about this kind of dynamic.

We can respond rather than react, which allows us to process things and stops the effect that is doled out to you by the kinds of people who use this poor way of behaving. Believe me, nobody who behaves in this way is actually OK, but moreover deeply troubled and undesirable, to an unenviable calling card!

In your response, place their zero value behaviour under a microscope of your own. Bullies are not brave people; they are unchallenged people who will only ever win the day for so long.

Speak up with dignity, not retaliatory condemnation. Never let anyone take your voice.

Chances are that this dynamic that you have allowed came from an early childhood place where your survival depended upon your submission.

It doesn’t anymore.

You are not who a bully says you are.

You don’t have to be their version of who you are, nor do you need to be defined by them.

What does need support and help with in your life is examining your self-esteem. Ramping up your awareness of what is true for you.

Their voice is not the voice of truth. More likely the voice of a poor quality person, with an axe to grind that has absolutely nothing to do with you.