The stages of relationships

What are the stages of a relationship? Our relationships determine our happiness. Big statement, right?

But if l remember correctly, a wonderful book called The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck said in its opening line, “Life is difficult.” I read that, years ago, put the book down, and l went away and thought a lot about just that statement. 

It was profound in the most simple of ways because it was hard-hitting, there was no messing around, and l reckoned that the person who had written that line, knew personally what he was talking about alongside his research and the fact that he was a psychiatrist. l felt that he had lived the experience that drove him to make that conclusion in his opening line.

So here l can write without any hesitation whatsoever, that it is our relationships that determine our happiness, or our unhappiness as it goes.

I am hoping this will be a guide for those of you who are reading it.

Our relationship with ourselves

I’m going to start here because to have a good relationship of any kind whether it be friendship, work, family or romantic, your relationship with yourself is going to play a huge part in being in a relationship happily with others. 

The why of this is because things are easier, much easier, when we realise, who we are, what motivates us and comforts us, and why.

Attachment styles

This is about how we relate. There are four types: 

1. dismissive avoidant
2. anxiously attached
3. fearful avoidant
4. securely attached

Let me break this down here. These are, for the sake of this article, brief descriptions please refer to other articles l have written on attachment.

Dismissive avoidant people in their relationships find too much closeness suffocating. They are more practical than emotional, and they need and like distance and space. Ramp up the expectations and they run for the hills, they are often worried they have just about enough to manage themselves, so nurturing and being together all the time, or a lot will make them shut down.

In fairness, this attachment style is often very misunderstood. This is because they are often attracted to those who are the anxious type, but unless they know about their own type and the type they are attracted to there can be huge disappointment for them and those they get close to. Indeed this also holds true for other avoidant types.

Anxiously attached people are the peacemakers, the fixers, the go-to-any-lengths type. They will know your favourite colour, the things that matter to you super fast, they need closeness like oxygen, they need to be in touch, often, if they don’t hear from you they will overthink the whole scenario, and before the end of the day invent their own narrative, because they cannot bear “not to know”. They are worriers and usually extremely empathetic and lonely in their empathy when it isn’t reciprocated.

Fearful avoidant people have big trust issues. They are the doubters even when things are going well, or they receive a compliment they won’t trust it. They have issues with betrayal and will be prone to feel and think the worst. They are always on the lookout for double-dealing and insincerity.

Securely attached people are rare, but these lucky, wonderful, salt-of-the-earth types, came from healthy beginnings in their early relationships, whereby they were always considered and mirrored. If there is any problem they will remain personally separate from it and go into natural enquiry, because they were enquired about in their beginnings. They will not assume to know where the blame lies, and they do not think it has anything to do with them, they are conscientiously involved, but separate. They are far more likely to respond and not react.

If you know what type you are, what type you are drawn to and why, for starters, you will not be taking everything so personally, and above all, you will informed and adaptive.

This is an absolute game changer in how we feel and behave in our relationships. 

It is hugely important information, yet how many of us know this if we have never had it explained to us or we were never taught about it? 

It is not part of the school curriculum, any more than, believe it or not, doctors understanding that emotions play a huge part in whether or not we are healthy is, amazing in this day and age - l know.

I, for one, so hope this will change in the future, and that we will be taught about relationships in schools. In the meantime please let what l have had to struggle to learn at my own cost be of help to you now.

The paradox is that apart from the secure attached amongst us, whether you long for distance and space, or true intimacy and closeness, whether you are challenged to believe or trust. 

The wound that is the causation of the attachment type is the same, and that is it is maladaptive. A lack of receiving enough focus so that mirroring during early development never took place. This does not mean that your parents were “bad” (although they might have been). What's more likely is that they were taken up with other things and their circumstances whereby they had no choice but to be focused outside of their children, because of their worries, fears, insecurities, and challenges. 

This doesn’t change the effect this had on their children. But blame is pointless and it is far better to focus here on understanding why and where your coping strategy came from. It was after all how you survived. But what worked back then, when we become adults can be a worn-out narrative that stands in the way of our happiness.

Relationship stages

So in the beginning we have a few stages.

Stage 1: Attraction and admiration

Here, for whatever reason, two people are attracted to each other. 

In friendship, this can be so many different things. Liking the way someone dresses, their style, it can be hugely random or very specific. But there is something about the other person that draws you to them.

In a romantic relationship, it usually begins with strong physical chemistry. Either way, at this stage, you do not know the other person only that you are drawn to them.

Stage 2: Connection

This cannot take place unless it is mutual. This can be shared values, mutual interests and in romantic relationships a shared feeling of chemistry (physical and emotional).

Stage 3: Commitment

Here both parties are in agreement that, there is a friendship or a relationship for this to be a “thing” and moving at the same pace it has to, once again, be a mutual thing 

Stage 4: Compatibility

This stage is where you agree more than disagree where the percentage of what is working is over 70%, even within the areas you feel differently about you can be genuinely interested in the other person’s point of view and perspective.

For example, in a romantic relationship, if the connection is mostly physical but you have very different tastes, ideas and values, it is unlikely that your relationship will be successful long term. In a friendship, even less likely.

For relationships to be happy and healthy, who we are and how we need to be mutually accepted and cherished. I say cherished specifically because none of us wants to feel loved despite who we are, but for who we are and the things that make us unique and special to the other.

So why do we so often end up staying in corrupt harbours?

• self-doubt
• long-term investment
• fear of being alone
• making do for the wrong reasons
• scarcity
• fear 

These are some of the reasons. There are of course many more.

I will follow on from this article going into the stages and what is likely to take you from stage one to stage four. But for now, being aware of these four stages, where you are in them and why needs to be something that is absorbed.

I will say that attraction and admiration are not part of a relationship, only the driving factor of one. A lot of us get so lost in the effect of it we fail to realise how important the following three stages are, and how without them and understanding who we are admiring and who we are attracted to can end up making us very unhappy.

If we learn about ourselves and then in turn about others, we are enriched. Success is far more possible. We are more aware of where our mutualities and the essence of our values originate from, we can then, in turn, also be better informed and in doing so make better choices that give us a happier life.