Someone crashed into my car… it was my therapist!

When my therapist crashed into my car, I had no choice but to face an uncomfortable conversation and you'd be surprised to hear what happened next. So if you’ve ever avoided a tough conversation or swerved getting into a conflict, this article is for you.

I know, I know, the title’s a little dramatic! No one was physically hurt but the experience did change how I think about conflict and connection.

In Gestalt psychotherapy, there’s a concept called the “contact boundary”, the space where differences meet and meaningful connection happens. But often, we avoid true contact by falling into patterns, like:

• Projection: Attributing our own feelings to others, often without realising it. For example, assuming someone is angry when, in reality, we are the ones feeling anger.
• Confluence: People pleasing, ignoring our boundaries to avoid conflict or rejection.
• Deflection: Changing the subject, joking, or avoiding direct engagement to sidestep discomfort.
• Retroflection: Turning emotions inward instead of expressing them outwardly (e.g. blaming ourselves instead of addressing an issue with someone else.)

It’s worth saying that there is nothing wrong with these moderations, they serve a purpose. Often these ways of communicating protect us and keep us safe. However, if they become habitual they can prevent meaningful connections and growth.

I experienced this first-hand when my therapist accidentally hit my car. They didn’t recognise me and instead of checking if I was okay defended their position.

Ordinarily, I would have done one of two things:

1. Got angry, ended the relationship and made my therapist the villain in the retelling of this story.
2. Apologised, took full responsibility and pretended everything was fine.

I was hurt and angry but instead of walking away, I went into the session and sat with the discomfort.

Rather than getting defensive, my therapist listened, acknowledged how I felt and took responsibility for their part. By staying in the discomfort of that conversation (and I was extremely uncomfortable) I actually felt more connected to them, not less. What had started as a moment of conflict became an opportunity for deeper connection.

What did this teach me about conflict and coaching? 

By leaning into our discomfort, we rebuilt trust and created a more authentic connection. Before, I had put my therapist on a pedestal; afterwards, our relationship felt more balanced. This too can happen in the coaching relationship.

Many of us resist meaningful contact because it feels uncomfortable or unsafe. But here’s the key:

•  Assumptions block connection. When you pause and seek clarity instead of assuming, you open the door to deeper understanding.
• Stepping into discomfort can build connection.
• Avoiding tough conversations keeps relationships stagnant, facing them with openness allows them to grow

But, and there’s a big but, this requires trust and safety. Without it, conflict feels overwhelming. If you’re leading a team and there’s a fear of conflict, focusing on psychological safety is a great place to start.

Remember, you cannot know what is safe for someone else. So swap statements like “this is a safe space”, to “my intention/wish is for this to be a safe space”.

How do you handle conflict? Do you avoid it, face it or is something in between?