How not to leave the avoidant in charge

The avoidant is usually the one in charge of the relationship. Here is why...

Every interaction is an opportunity to either build trust or to break it.

I have found this to be a truism to remember.

What is your nervous system telling you in this if you are at the other end of it? It is probably a mix of:

• worry
• fear
• ambiguity
• guesswork 

The one who can pull away is always the one in control of the relationship, so don’t sit at the door waiting for them to open it if they are absent with mutuality, which they will be.

So if you are in this situation, it can be very uncomfortable, and there are ways to level it up, when in the pulling away – whether it be by lessening or ghosting in this change or energy – you call it out as you see it and feel it.

What can you do?

Counter challenge that by calling out the pull-away dilution of the interaction and not allowing the ambiguity.

Call it out.

Because you have noticed something, and because in doing so, you are true to yourself.

This is most applicable when you have a beginning that really seems and feels on point, but then as soon as it gets going, there is either a message that comes in later than it would have done previously, with somehow less connecting content and less of whatever it would have had before. The key here is less.

You will notice this.

They will want you to.

Something inside your gut will notice that there is a shift. The natural thing will be to mirror the shift. In this silent, no language move, you will then hope it will revert back to their original energy, but it won’t and what you will be left with is a watered down, low energy quality of exchange that has left the camp of connection, and to top it off, you will be entering the camp of guesswork instead.

Who wants to be there? It’s a ghost town!

This is not what you signed up for.

Why?

Because this doesn’t feel good.

What is actually going on?

Avoidance.

Yes, that is the word for it. They are either an avoidant – either Dismissive Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant (please check out my articles on these attachment styles) – or they are “avoiding”.

It is so much easier to identify this for what it is because, first, it has nothing to do with you and your worth, behaviour or allure, and everything to do with their own issues and potentially their own situation.

They might have thought they wanted a relationship, but when someone came along who wanted them to show up with a follow-up beyond the first call charm, they realised it felt like they couldn’t deliver. With a Fearful Avoidant, they might very well really have wanted to, but the avoidant fear of intimacy at play will be gnawing away at the possibility of expectations that they cannot deliver, even if they want to. 

By calling this out, if they have the decency and courage to explain, then, great, because this will feel less “personal”. If they don’t, then they are inconsistent, and that is a red flag anyway!

When you want a connection that leads to a relationship with someone being wired for a lukewarm exchange and guesswork, it is far too much time spent in your head wasted on trying to figure out that which is not possible to figure out.

It is so much better to decide what feels good for you and say.

You won’t entirely side-step disappointment if you liked someone, but you will learn to employ standards and boundaries that work for building better self-esteem and doing this is kind of like building muscle when you work out – the more you do it, the quicker you will see positive results from it!

As Gabor Mate says with his perpetual eloquence:

“Sometimes there are no pain-free options in life; you can either have the pain of suppressing yourself for the sake of being accepted or acceptable, or you can have the pain sometimes of being  yourself and not being accepted, which one would you like?”

I can only tell you from my own experience, which of course doesn’t have to be agreed with, that suppressing myself with people who made me feel small or irrelevant was far worse, and when l began to set my own standards and employ them, it was an absolute game changer for me.

But it is a choice which l found personally that l felt compelled to make. I have also seen the difference in others I have coached emotionally by way of their flourishing rather than their staying in the shadows. 

How does this serve your level control

There is a feeling of freedom in calling out avoidance, but it can be difficult at first and not felt as either natural or possible to have rights, which are either heard or known by others who would rather you didn’t, but went instead quietly.

Dignity and its value 

Dignity is something important to keep, and being true to yourself maintains that you are seen as whole and not broken or someone who can be toyed with or driven by fear, but by choice – your choice, not one that is imposed.

The purpose of this article is to address why the avoidant calls the shots, because they can walk away, but this can only exist when they are met by a lowered standard.

Please do not lower yours if you have to, then close the door, but do not wait by the door and leave the closing to someone else.