How to stop people-pleasing and learn to say no

How many times have you said yes when you really wanted to say no?

It’s a predicament many of us face every day, and it’s tricky because many people don’t realise they are doing it. We spend our lives pleasing other people, saying yes to accommodate others, and not comprehending the alternative of saying no.

We have choices and should never feel obligated to ensure someone else’s happiness or do someone else’s bidding. It’s true we have commitments, but there is a big difference between being obligated and being obliging.

So find a quiet place, grab a coffee, pen, and paper, and follow this simple exercise to help you establish when you need to say no.

Step 1: Map your time

Circle One (Current Time)

Draw a circle and break down how you currently spend your time on average over a month. Be honest. Categories might include: sleep, work, travel, social, me time, family, and friends.

Circle Two (Ideal Time)

Draw a second circle and carve up how you would ideally like to be spending your time.

Step 2: Map your relationships

Circle Three (Current Relationships)

Draw a circle and divide up who you currently spend your time with: on your own, partner, kids, family (you like), family (you don't like), colleagues (you like), colleagues (you don't like), friends (you like), friends (you don't like), clients (you like), or clients (you don't like).

Circle Four (Ideal Relationships)

Draw a fourth circle and carve up who you would ideally like to be spending your time with.

Step 3: Identify the gaps

With circles one to four in mind, compile a list that identifies:

1. Occasions when you are saying "yes" when in fact you want or need to say "no".
2. People you are spending time with when you don't actually want to.

Be brutally honest here. You can even bring in a close, trusted friend or partner to help you go through it.

Step 4: Take action

Now go through the list and ask yourself: Do I have a choice in this matter?

If you have a choice (and most of the time you will)

Stop doing it or seeing that person. It really is that simple. Rehearse what you need to say and say it politely. If necessary, write an email or letter. Where appropriate, explain your reasons.

If you don’t have a realistic choice (such as certain family or work commitments)

Brainstorm options for how you can lessen the impact of that activity or interaction on your life, then take action.

Appreciate that your new stance may surprise or offend some people, so anticipate how to handle delicate situations in advance. Be firm. This is not a debate, and you don’t need anyone’s permission. This is about making your life happier. Life is too short to live it any other way, so don’t fill your days with things or people you don’t want!