Love, loss and human suffering: the connection explained

Sometimes the greatest source of our suffering is the lies that we tell ourselves. We have basic, fundamental needs to belong, and in that belonging we can rest. This is so much harder for us to do if we have a corrupted perception of who we are and, in turn, have to live with a low sense of our value because there is no visceral knowing of who we are, or a sense of ever being mirrored as whole rather than somehow lacking.

I am not talking about the kind of rest where we do nothing, but rather about how we can enter emotional homeostasis, where we are no longer waiting “for the other shoe to drop” or feeling like “the sword of Damocles” still hangs over us. Somewhere indeed where we are enough in our own eyes.

No matter the loftiness of thoughts or accomplishments, it is often the case that we feel innately compelled to return to similar or parallel dynamics that mirror our losses and the trauma they caused both historically and in our present. Even way after the event that caused the pain and trauma has passed, the subsidence does not leave our central nervous systems. It remains.

That is why I believe such an important therapeutic approach on the road to wholeness and recovery is to calm the central nervous system first, simply because we need so much to create a different, calmer sense within that is visceral and therefore cannot be delegated. What is felt is different to what is known.

Feeling is an emotional or body state. You can know one thing and yet, known or not, still feel the opposite. Think of being on a plane and being scared of turbulence. Even though you know that it is not caused by danger, the feeling, the experience of the turbulence, is terrifying for you.

Feeling and knowing

These are different systems, and yet somehow there is undeniable truth in the friction and fear that exists when they do not align, because although you can know something, that does not ensure the matching feeling of it. This is why I believe we start with the feeling part of it so the two states can create a feeling of understanding and peace. Also, there is little real likelihood of being able to process while we are in the fight-or-flight state, where our ability to absorb is unlikely.

It was Freud who acknowledged that there is a compulsion to repeat, whereby we return to what is known like homing pigeons, despite the painful outcome, which somehow remains alchemised by both what is familiar and, in some cases, the hope that there is safety there by way of our return or remaining. We want to feel safe; knowing it is not enough.

It is an emotional truth that your feelings are real to you even if the facts say otherwise. This reenactment of going where only fools dare to tread is partly the hope that resolution will finally become ours.

Somehow, if we can change the story, we can change the ruling feeling. This is true, I have found, by facing our own damaged perception, altered by the original trauma, and replacing it with something that is felt as good, so it loses the feeling of danger and of threat.

Our feeling brain is the limbic system. It is an old part of the brain. It reacts instantly to the world. It creates fear, joy, and gut feelings. Our thinking brain manages logic, math, facts, and planning. Why they clash, which is so present in both PTSD and CPTSD, is explained.

False alarms 

When a familiar parallel through what is known and yet not good for us comes our way, like a situation or a person, we can be convinced of something which is, in actual fact, false but only felt because of what was previously known. This false conviction leads us to repeat trauma.

Delayed learning 

So you can know that something is safe and yet still feel deep terror. Information is not necessarily transformation. Knowing is a cognitive experience; healing is felt in the body.

Memory conflict

Facts live in your conscious memory. Emotional habits live in your subconscious memory.

The pull of the familiar

The brain likes what it knows best. If early life or past relationships involved stress, a chaotic or painful choice feels oddly comfortable compared to a peaceful unknown.

The hope of the happy ending 

We often repeat bad dynamics interrelationally, hoping this time will have a happy ending. We try to rewrite an old hurt by winning over a difficult person or fixing a broken scenario. Even at our own cost, known or unknown.

Here we are chronically repeating a pattern that results in the same pain, and its inevitable outcome. If deep down we feel unworthy, we may sabotage ourselves or seek out punishment to match our inner self-image.

How we mend

We cannot merely understand the theory and expect this alone to magically fix through knowing. It is here we must begin to apply habits and practises that calm the central nervous system, as without this the processing that facilitates the change is unable to even take place.

Some helpful healing paths

Jin Shin Jyutsu

An ancient Japanese healing art that uses light hand placements on specific body areas to balance life energy, reduce stress, and promote physical and emotional well-being. It works similarly to acupressure but uses minimal pressure and no needles.

Somatic meditation

A body-based mindfulness practice that shifts focus from the thinking mind to physical sensations, helping to calm the nervous system, release stored tension, and process emotions through a deep, internal awareness of the physical self.

Bach flower remedies

I am a Bach Flower practitioner myself and use the flower remedies to heal as emotional medicine. I have found them to be extraordinary, even epiphanic, and believe that, in a benign and natural way, they can help to restore and balance our feelings.

In summary, if indeed it is ever possible to summarise such a thing, love and loss are and always will be binary. They are part of each other. Being whole as a human being is, in part, both the longing and the need to belong, and what comes with that blessing.

Some of us find this treasure and understand its immeasurable gift. For others, the road to Damascus is an idiom that means a sudden, radical change in a person's fundamental beliefs, worldview, or way of life, usually brought on by a powerful, unexpected, or life-altering experience that hurts, and hurts.

There are anchors through self-compassion and sharing through therapy with someone who understands the “road” because they have travelled it themselves.

The ache for home belongs in all of us