Learning to love yourself: Unveiling the secret to self-love
We are all very familiar with the phrase ‘self-love’ by now. We also know it’s something we should be doing. But very few of us know how to practise it in a deep and meaningful way that goes beyond superficial self-care rituals to create tangible change.

So in this article, I will give you the secret to truly unlocking self-love and how you can put that into practice today.
Firstly, let’s begin by emphasising how important self-love is. At the core, we are with ourselves 24 hours a day 365 days a year. If that is an inner world full of self-criticism, judgement, self-hatred etc. it isn’t setting us up for an enjoyable journey through life. We can spend hours and hours dissecting how and why our inner world is like that (there can be a time and place for this) but the very thing that can shift our inner world quickly and powerfully is love. It is the vehicle that carries with it peace, calm, clarity and understanding. It cuts through the chaos and clutter. It envelops our hurt and pain and drives out fear.
Today, I want to take this beyond an intangible subject to practical and authentic steps that you can implement right now.
So let’s cut straight to the secret that unlocks the first step to self-love = acceptance. I know, I know, I can almost hear the groan, but bear with me, I am going to shift everything you know about acceptance so that it works for you.
There’s quite a lot of misunderstanding about what acceptance is and what it means so let’s clarify that to begin with. Acceptance is about recognising a situation without attempting to change or protest it. Sounds simple right? And it is in theory, we can just have lots of resistance to implementing it.
I want you to imagine you are at a gathering and there’s a room full of people. You are naturally drawn to some more than others. Maybe you like their vibe or you share similarities - you find it easy to connect and enjoy their company. Then there are others that you don’t like so much. They don’t cause you any concern and you might say hello and be polite, but you don’t want to spend any real time engaging with them. And then there might be the odd person who you actively dislike. Just being in their presence makes you feel annoyed and frustrated and you find it very hard to be around them. In this type of scenario, you can easily move around the room and spend time with those who you enjoy and not have to bother with anyone else.
But what happens when we translate this to our inner world? What happens when there are parts of ourselves that we don’t find acceptable or we actively dislike? There’s a whole other topic here about our shadow self that we won’t delve into right now because I want to show you acceptance and self-love in action.
Just for a moment, I want you to imagine yourself as the person at the gathering who feels left out, the one who doesn’t fit in or belong. I’m sure we’ve all had experiences of the pain, hurt and shame that comes with this.
Imagine being that person and wanting nothing more than to be seen, heard and accepted but not knowing how and every attempt that you make, being met with hostility and rejection. Now imagine that a child comes up to you, who doesn’t know you, and is naturally curious about who you are and why you’re here. This child has no agenda, they are treating you like any other person they meet.
It feels refreshing, doesn’t it? To receive such openness and space to talk. Maybe the child even shows you something they are interested in and you feel a sense of being included in something. It feels good. You find yourself softening, you feel your heart opening, and maybe you catch yourself smiling too.
This is acceptance and self-love in action. The seemingly small and insignificant act of bringing curiosity to those parts of ourselves that we don’t like can create such profound shifts that allow for that part to transform so that you can experience self-love like never before.
The four stages of self-love
1. Curiosity
When you feel triggered or a part of you feels hurt or judged, stop for a moment, take a breath and bring in the natural curiosity of a child. Ask that part what it is trying to show you and what it wants you to know. Doing this without jumping in with criticism and judgement but just allowing it space, will allow that part to soften and open up to reveal much-needed insights and learning.
2. Openness
Practise cultivating openness within your inner world. Rather than immediately jumping to try and ‘fix’ or suppress any pain and discomfort, allow yourself to imagine sitting around a campfire with all of the parts of you gathered around it. Practise allowing each part to be there as you imagine going around the circle and inviting each part to share as they wish.
3. Compassion
We are likely to be more aware of our inner critical voice than our inner compassionate and nurturing voice, so giving just as much, if not more, space to our inner compassionate voice will take a bit of practice. But developing this voice will be key to aiding acceptance and self-love as well as providing an enjoyable inner world.
4. Healing
It is well known in the therapy world, that oftentimes it is enough for someone to just have the space to share openly, in a safe space and without judgement, in order for breakthroughs to happen. The best part about this self-love journey is that we get to do that for ourselves and experience the healing that comes with acceptance and love.
Common blocks to self-love
Our natural leaning towards problem-solving
As humans, our primal brains are wired towards solving problems. This is clearly very handy in survival situations, however, our primal brain doesn’t understand that us feeling unworthy or shameful isn’t a problem that it can solve. Dragging up every time in our life when we’ve felt this way and dissecting each occasion to try and figure out what we can learn from it so it never happens again, isn’t helpful (especially at 2am when you’re trying to sleep!). But your primal brain is only doing what it knows, it’s trying to help.
Not having a loving, compassionate foundation
A child who has grown up knowing unconditional love from their caregivers will have a strong inner blueprint for what love feels like and this can help to develop a strong inner nurturing and self-loving voice. But that might not be your foundation. Maybe your inner blueprint is one of strong judgement, criticism and only deserving of love if you ‘earn it’. The best part about this is that you get to change that blueprint as you learn what a loving and compassionate voice feels like.
Not feeling worthy
This is one of the most common blocks I encounter and generally encompasses lots of other beliefs that keep people separate from love and acceptance. We have tied our worthiness to many different things in life which means when they no longer work in the way they should, it re-kindles this wound. For example, I can feel worthy in this moment because my job is going well and I am accomplished, but what happens when I get made redundant and so no longer feel worthy? Our worth has to be anchored into something deeper, it has to become a belief rather than a feeling.
There is one last thing I want to introduce you to that will help you to navigate this journey, which is something I’ve been touching on throughout this article…
We are mammals, which means we have our primal brain that is shared with every other mammal on the planet which is designed for survival. As humans, we also have a ‘higher mind’ which is what gives us the ability to direct our imagination, think in the third person, observe our own inner world etc. This is the part of us that is concerned with our dreams, desires, happiness, purpose and thriving. This part is always connected to love.
So as you begin this journey of self-love, I want you to imagine your higher mind taking your primal brain by the hand and gently walking it towards more love and joy, understanding that your primal brain won’t get it and that’s ok. For as much as it might feel uncomfortable or strange in the beginning, it will follow eventually.
In summary, learning to love yourself begins with acceptance, and this is available right now, right where you are.
