How to recognise and break the cycle of emotional abuse

A study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence suggests that over 60% of women in abusive relationships separate but return at least once, with over 90% returning multiple times. These statistics reveal the complexity of leaving abusive relationships.

From my own experience (both personally and professionally), returning is far more likely when we are not entirely sure what emotional abuse actually is. Anxiously attached individuals, in particular, are also more likely to be self-blaming and assuming fault, so they struggle to recognise that this is coming from someone else and not them. Therefore, it is so important to understand what constitutes emotional abuse – what it actually looks like – because a lot of it is very subtle and dressed up entirely as something else.

How to recognise emotional abuse

Emotional abuse might look like:

• Something that is for your good.
• Other people's observations of how you should be feeling being perceived as the truth.
• Not being heard on any level, ever.
• Always assuming you are at fault.
• Belittling and belittlement of your fears.
• Always being put last.
• Feeling as though you don't count.
• Being devalued.
• Constant dislike or criticism of your choices.
• Being told when you ask for anything that it is an effort for them.

Sometimes these are more obviously harsh, but often not, and your clue will be in the way you feel; they will be felt.

The message you will receive will be that you don't count on any level – in your opinions, your beliefs and your behaviour – because it will always be you who is at fault. This won't be once in a while either, but whenever you ask for anything. And if something is given or done, it will feel really uncomfortable.

Once again, the clue is what is felt here by you. Your feelings are your clues here; please allow them to be felt without prejudice.

Becoming aware of emotional abuse

I believe this is step one to healthier, happier change. For how can any of us change anything unless we know what it looks like? And/or until we can identify it and get away from the person or people who dole it out to us, and who often we are trying to please just to belong or get love from, if we don't know what is actually OK?

Recognising what a healthy relationship looks like

This sounds like it should be so easy, but for some of us, it isn't. And it isn't if our sense of self has been so altered by the 'drip, drip' demeaning of others' apocryphal beliefs. Here we buy into their version of us.

Here, you can be only handy for what you can give, but never because they actually care about you or your welfare.

Here comes the word coercion. An important word to recognise because its definition is, "to control someone by compelling, by force of authority, by physical, moral or intellectual means."

It is the moral and intellectual means that are where we are often blindsided. Maybe this has been going on for years, and maybe because of that, we ourselves have normalised it, maybe it is even, in fact, the bedrock of the relationship. If it exists in families, then it is often the only template for relationships that we have ever had!

The cycle of abuse

There is something called 'Walker's cycle of abuse' by psychologist Lenore Walker, who found that many violating relationships follow a common pattern or cycle. The entire cycle may happen in one day, or it may take weeks or months.

This will involve:

• possessiveness
• manipulation
• guilting
• belittling
• sabotage
• isolation
• controlling behaviour

Many abused people believe they can somehow work to change their abuser and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, once a cycle of abuse begins, it's unlikely to stop on its own. Tension and incidents can get progressively worse over time.

If you are reading this and you recognise any of this in your dealings with a certain person or people, then what you have been living with is abuse.

Sometimes, even recognising this is felt as shocking. Often because it can be coming from someone so close to home. From someone who is supposed to love you.

The number of people who are experiencing or healing from abuse around the world is staggering.

The cycle of abuse theory has aged better than others. It's still regularly critiqued, modified and discussed in academic circles, and you will show up in it from your own story and recognise repeated patterns if you are suffering from it. Because as they increase, they in turn become undeniable.

This is usually when people tend to seek help by way of a therapist. The repetition speaks to us from beyond the veil of gaslighting, or hope that it will just go away or get better on its own, or stop.

It doesn't and it won't. Nothing changes until something changes. Usually, it has to be you. You who see it and call it what it is. Who doesn't wonder anymore, because, by its dilution, the denial remains a mutual 'dance' of what is given and what is perpetually received? The abuser maintains the control and hierarchy, and the victim – the abused – remains diminished and cruelly emptied, like a well.

But the framework still hurts. Even when you find your own framework, your innate narrative for a while without redress and healing will be from within, where you were framed by their coercive version of who you are according to them.

But when the relationship is good, it's so good.

Such is the protestation so often made by the abused. The bewilderment, when the calm descends once more, when even the whole scarcity syndrome kicks in, aka 'it's better than being alone', or there are so few men or women out there to have a long-term relationship with, or they are my family, or a friend of many years. Or there is from within the 'calm' when no abuse is taking place – intermittent reinforcement.

So many times l have heard this from people I treat and indeed felt it myself from within my own relationships that were, in fact, abusive. Yes, l have been the victim, too. I don't just write about it – I've lived it.

So, you overlook the occasional bad moments, the subtle but forgettable red flags. You want it to be better, to be good, after all. He or she is your husband, your wife, your lover, your child, your brother, your sister, your mother, your father, your priest, your teacher, your boss, or your friend.

But you know, because of all the sadness, because of all the disappointment, because of how utterly crushed it makes you feel inside. You know what it is.

Ask yourself these questions.

• Was it to show or prove power over you?
• Was the goal to coerce you into doing something you didn't consent to? Either by shame or blame, or something that was always your fault, never theirs. There is no accountability or ownership on their part.

If the answer is yes, then it is abuse.

The calm stage is crucial to the cycle of abuse. It sows the seeds of confusion, self-doubt and apprehension that allow the cycle to perpetuate itself. If you stay in this relationship of whatever type, the harm will continue. It can be very difficult to leave or to break the cycle.

The physical and emotional effects of abuse

The physical symptoms of abuse are beyond the actual incidents. We experience a sense of heightened anxiety. This heightened state can lead to fatigue, headaches, stomach discomfort, poor nutrition, insomnia, and sleep issues. Stress, anxiety, and fear manifest in many different ways.

When not addressed in a safe space, such effects manifest negatively long-term. We cannot address physical and emotional symptoms if we don't have a safe space to do so. This leaves us with invisible wounds and their effect.

Symptoms may include:

• stomach discomfort
• fatigue
• hyper vigilance
• anxiety
• headaches
• insomnia
• sleep issues in general
• feeling unsafe
• sadness
• depression
• chronic low self-worth and self-esteem

How to end the cycle of abuse

Ask yourself:

• How are you feeling?
• What boundary has been crossed?
• Does this hurt?
• Does this not resonate with me?
• How am l physically?
• Can l name what l am experiencing?

Create self-awareness:

• build your individuality
• create emotional distance
• exercise self-compassion
• explore resources
• find a therapist that feels right for you

I have found both personally and in my professional life that certain Bach flower remedies can help enormously to rebuild inner strength, confidence and remembered individuality. Bach flowers can be used alongside talking therapy and coaching with huge success, and they can be such a help during times of redress and coming out of the other side of abusive situations and relationships.

I believe that possibly, the hole and its memory that ongoing emotional abuse creates never completely goes away, but l also believe that you stop falling into it and can learn to walk away instead of always walking back.