How childhood trauma shows up in adulthood

We often think of trauma as being huge, dramatic things that happen to us. The most extreme being physical, emotional and sexual abuse. While these experiences are traumatic in themselves, childhood trauma is often shaped not only by what happened, but by what was happening within the child at the time.

Trauma can be as subtle as a parent not paying attention to something important to you. They are preoccupied with work or themselves, and that can feel like abandonment to a child. You might internalise that and feel like you aren’t important enough. I say "feel" instead of "think", because childhood is spent in feelings and not in deciphering things with our mind.

The need to understand is something that usually appears in adulthood, because feeling becomes too overwhelming. If a feeling comes up, we may push it down and analyse it, hoping to solve a complex puzzle, when what we really need is to allow ourselves to feel it.

How trauma can show up in adulthood

One subtle way that abandonment can show up in adulthood might include trying to be useful to everyone else. If I am useful, people will like me and love me. If I please them, I will get the validation I need. We often think of this as being kind or selfless, when in fact it’s the child inside trying not to feel that abandonment again. 

We can also move through life by performance and not really show who we really are. It’s why a lot of us can get to midlife and feel completely empty inside. A void that’s saying, "Who are you?". We have those little whispers throughout life, but often, they might become louder if marriage leads to divorce and the kids go off to college, when you are left with the emptiness. Without tending to others, you haven’t the foggiest sense of who you are or even what you want.

How to move past trauma

Trauma can show up in our daily lives. Our interactions with a stranger, a friend or a mother, for example. It might be something they say, or if you feel the slightest distance, that makes you feel like that needy child vying for attention. 

You might not even be outwardly needy, but you feel it within, and it can make you feel on shaky ground. Like you are helpless, but you are now the adult who has choices. You are no longer trapped, but it can still feel like you are.

In those moments, we can try to numb by smoking, drinking, escaping somehow or by over-giving, which continues the cycle. What is really needed is to sit in the discomfort and to feel. To cry, to hug that child within who felt invisible. To tell yourself it is now OK. It is safe to feel all your feelings. Sometimes it can feel unbearable, and in those moments, an unbiased listening ear, where sacred space can be held for you, is all the gift a child needs. To support the child who never felt supported. To now re-parent that child, to help them understand that their needs matter, and it is OK to fulfil those needs. 

It is highly important to find this sacred space within a counselling or psychotherapy setting. It is not a weakness to lean on someone for support. It is crucial and necessary if you find yourself in a space of overwhelm. Giving back to the child is also finding the best support you can. Things can be gently unpacked so the child within feels safe, supported and grounded.

Putting yourself first

We often think of this as a selfish act, but what does putting yourself first actually mean?

It's finding the time to fill up your own cup. What sets your soul or heart on fire? Do you like singing? Join a choir or sing in the shower more. Find the time for joy. Get that book you have always wanted to read. Sit quietly in a coffee shop, cradling your favourite cuppa with your favourite book. Society calls this indulgence, but this is finally telling yourself you matter.

No matter our background, we are often told to be of service to others. What is often left out is that we have to be of service to ourselves first. We cannot be there for others if we ourselves are depleted and hanging on by a thread. Make yourself whole first. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so fill the cup within and be of service to others with the overflow. Never give yourself away in the hopes that someone else sees your worth. See your own worth and value first.

Where does life coaching enter?

Life coaching is a modality that can help after you have moved through your therapeutic journey. When you now have the tools needed to support your emotional well-being, and you are ready to build a life on authenticity and joy and not be led by past pains.

It can be useful at times for the coach to know some background for context, but it isn’t entirely necessary, as coaching can be a starting point for how you would like your life to be. It’s the building blocks of a new life. Psychotherapy and counselling are about learning that you have the self-worth to create the life you want. Coaching is the support to help you curate that new life.