Five key factors that shape your identity

When you come to coaching with a goal, for example, increasing confidence or reducing anxiety, there is an underpinning structure surrounding your identity that also needs understanding. Who you are, is a complex blend of factors and you can get stuck in automatic patterns of thinking and behaviour that hold you back and limit your development. You filter information all the time in line with five of the main factors which shape your uniqueness. These core factors are summarised below:

1. Family background and significant family relationships

The family you were born into shapes who you are forever. It is important to recognise that your start in life is always with you, often stored in an unconscious place. Knowing your background and how it influences how you are in the world is a key part of self-awareness. Relationships with your parents (and possibly siblings) form a template for future relationships. Patterns of behaviour, which are not always helpful, can be repeated.

You may find that there are drives within you which are hard to understand. This might include the tendency to be hard on yourself or seeking to be perfect. This may come from, say, a critical parental voice. With insight and understanding, it is possible to change your inner voice and update your core beliefs about yourself, so you can live with greater ease.

2. Identifying characteristics

Aspects of our identity which are visible to others, like our ethnicity, gender or disability influence our identity. Research shows that young girls are often spoken to in softer voices or that play is less robust than that of young boys. Society contains judgements and biases (many of which may be unconscious) based on the colour of someone’s skin, gender or ableness and these can often feel negative and self-limiting. If you have experienced these judgements, then you know what it’s like to not be seen as an individual. Knowing who you are and proudly staying true to yourself requires conscious awareness. You do not need to conform to society’s, or your family’s norms, but you can choose to live in ways which are right for you.    

3. Work

Your work identity can be a core part of your whole identity. In some instances, you may find that work takes up most of your waking hours and it is hard to separate who you are as an individual. This may be the case when you work in a role which has a visible identity to the world, like being a police officer, a prison officer or a healthcare professional. Society places value on the work that we do and this is then used to classify individuals into a social hierarchy.

Remind yourself that you are more than your job. It is a part of your existence and needs to be managed in ways that facilitates living a balanced life.  

4. Life experiences

Your experiences in the world shape who you are and can reinforce many of the beliefs and values you hold. Your country of origin and your experiences growing up influence you. We are social creatures and want to belong, so there is often a pressure to conform to the norms around us, even though they may feel at odds with who you are and your uniqueness.

It is good to reflect on some of the things that have helped to shape who you are from the past and this might include divorce, illness and trauma. Consider how these events continue to shape your thinking and behaviour.

 5. Values and beliefs

There are many factors which shape how we perceive the world, these can include our religious beliefs and the attitudes we observe both in the family setting and amongst our peer group. We can operate within an echo chamber, particularly with social media,  where we seek out individuals who have similar views to us. A good practice to undertake is to reflect on your values and how you want to be seen and experienced in the world. This becomes the framework for how you live your life and you are less likely to be swayed by the judgments of others. What are the features of your authentic self?  

My interest in identity and how this shapes our behaviour and the way others might then treat us comes from my personal experience. Growing up in a working-class family with no expectations that I would do well in the education system or get a ‘good’ job has shaped me. There were many beliefs that I inherited about not being ‘good enough’, which I still notice today.  

My path in life was changed by teachers who recognised my abilities and encouraged me to create more options for the future. My own story features social mobility and a realisation of potential. I have learnt a lot about how to ‘know yourself’ from my own experiences. I then layer this with deep knowledge of therapy, coaching and continuing professional development. My identity is complex and evolving with greater insights over time.

In my work as an executive coach, I am interested in your identity and how this then influences your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. With insight into your identity and how you wish to develop, you are much more likely to achieve your goals in sustainable ways and release much more of your potential.