Don’t tie your happiness to someone else’s poor-quality behaviour

 Don’t tie your happiness to someone else’s poor-quality behaviour. Here’s why...

Pain doesn’t have to be your future.

Sometimes, because we don’t want to be alone, we stay in relational exchanges that really, really diminish us and hurt us.

Little better than nothing? 

I truly think that if the “little is better than nothing” adage resonates well with you, then maybe it’s OK. But are you being entirely honest with yourself? Maybe you can carry on letting that work for you. But it’s not the stuff dreams are made of, and there is a “settling” that has a wistful, empty feeling about it.

But for me, in my relationships that are the very close ones, honestly, that ”little is better than nothing” thing doesn’t work because it simply doesn’t feel good.

We want to be where we are welcomed, where we are treated with palpable enthusiasm. 

We all know that even if we go to a new restaurant and we are not greeted with a smile, and it isn’t made a pleasurable experience, we are unlikely to go back, however good the food might be. 

It’s the same with so many other different places too as well as circumstances. So why do we then put up with this kind of behaviour in our relationships?

It is our relationships that largely determine our happiness.

When they are good and flourishing, we are content and happy; when they are bad, we are not. This also has a huge impact on our health and our physical resilience.

As an alternative medical practitioner as well as a therapist and life coach, I know from working with people over the years that they have so much more drive and energy and purpose when their relationships are thriving.

But when we are misunderstood, and constantly doubted and criticised, we live in a curious kind of fear.

This doesn’t have to be the case.

Walking in your own light

We can begin to redress our lives by walking in our own light. What do l mean by this? Well, we can question our choices by asking ourselves, 'What do l want? What makes me feel happy?' Starting new things, learning a language, doing a course in something we are interested in, dancing, things that bring joy, and a different kind of focus, which is outward, rather than perpetually inward. Time to create, time for you in newness and re-discovery.

There is something about not being chosen, or valued, when you have tried your very best, that feels crushing. But if you begin to choose, if you feel the warm glow of embarking on new things, somehow your life opens up, and new purpose and possibilities feel within your grasp.

Things begin to feel possible and not impossible.

Don’t rely on your investment alone in any relationship to stay in it.

This is so often why we stay with those we shouldn’t and where we shouldn’t.

Years of trying, years of hoping, often only peppered with occasional good moments. When you are endlessly willing to keep on putting in the work alongside the hope. But sadly, there it is, again and again, yet another not feel-good scenario, with you wondering why.

You already know that this isn’t working, and it isn’t good, by the way.

Whether it’s intimacy, connection, or sharing, when you are giving more than you are getting. Two people have to be exchanging at equal levels of care and all that that involves.

One of a relationship’s basic requirements is showing up, to have something or someone. Wondering and relying on the potential without addressing what is missing keeps you tied to something empty and devoid of joy, and full of examples of disappointment and hurt.

Dating, friendship, family, work colleagues, happiness in these relationships is important, but you can’t be doing all the doing and giving; it has to be two-way. Mutual.

So be honest with yourself.

How long has this not felt good? And if the answer is too long, and if you don’t feel safe enough to be honest with yourself and likely too honest with them in case it causes a problem, then start listening to your own heart and trust where it takes you.

Unless they have any interest or intention to change things because you are valuable or important enough to them, then start. It isn’t working for you, and it isn’t likely to change.

This isn’t about neediness, this is about respect, love and equality. 

Odds are loneliness, more disconnect than connect, will also not only lead to sadness, but also to anger and resentment that is never voiced due to fear and insecurity. Wanting to be equally met and considered is the bare minimum of love.

But know that even if you do leave this exchange, that isn’t an exchange; it can be hard and being realistic about that will allow you to put in place a plan to ease what still feels like a loss. It is the closing of a door.

Remember, though, that when one door closes, it can leave room for another door, or even doors, to open. 

People who care about you care about your feelings, but it is your job to watch who you surround yourself with, and someone who has no respect or consideration for your perspective is a path that can only lead to somewhere you are not going to want to be or end up. 

You are worth so much more than that.