Dealing with a narcissistic person? Boundaries do not work

Boundaries do not work when dealing with a narcissistic person. Here's how to get by and beyond.

Looking for a normal loving relationship with a person who has NPD or narcissistic traits is a journey that will never take you to where you want to go. 

That, sadly, is the horrible truth. 

You will likely experience variants of Groundhog Day, coercive control, sadness and perpetual disappointment whilst you are trying to “get them to see”. They won’t.

This is not a bad patch. It is not a phase. It is not because of you. It is how it will be in one way or another and how it will always be. 

You are holding a poison chalice, and every time you drink out of it, you will be swallowing blame, guilt, low self-esteem, feelings of consummate worthlessness, inadequacy and heartbreak.

So, here, let me give you something that l have learnt. Some wisdom that eventually touched a nerve enough in me that told me in my own gut that would be how l could armour myself around this most intense and perpetual sadness.

Don’t focus on them in your rhetoric. Don’t tell them how you feel, don’t ever give them your vulnerability. They will absolutely trash it. Every time.

The bad effects of their actions will never be something they care about. Tough l know, but true.

So ask: "When you say that to me, what do you think, is it kind or hurtful?" If they come back with another critique (pretty likely) ask them how would you explain this.

Keep on asking them questions.

This is a technique that l heard about and it’s a wall - it keeps the hurt at bay, and it keeps it about them. (They love that! After all, it’s about them.)

Always be curious, always ask - after all, this being about them will be separate from you. Flip it into a question. Do not defend yourself. Ask them why, and be curious about their take on things. 

Usually, from my own perspective, awareness comes from having been at the bad end of something painful too many times for it to be a “coincidence”. You are reading this, you are closer than you might think to “waking up”. 

If we play what is our part in this - and our part in the pain - we then have a chance to welcome in positive change and do things differently by focusing on the only thing we ever have any degree of real power in.

Deciding to change. 

The way we behave and then the way we feel. This we can change. We can never change anyone else. It is a wisdom to know this.

Sounds easy? It isn’t always.

But it’s very much like exercise - when you begin it, it can be hard at first. You are not going to be leaving the gym the first couple of times with the end result. You are though going to feel that you are keeping a self-care contract with yourself and that will feel good. 

It will dilute the effect of the disregard and the abuse, why? Because you have a plan now. Because you are aware.

Because you have embraced the idea of what is possible and that ghastly feeling of living with the resignation is also diluted. The more you do, you feel and see the change that begins to take place. The muscles (emotional ones in this case) get stronger and it becomes easier. Because it becomes a new version of familiar and not the old corrupt one you have lived with for years.

l believe that repetition and normalisation as by-products of it mean that we can also become addicted to the abuse. This, l know, can be a really unpleasant and slightly scary thought, but something about this has a ring of truth about it.

Read and listen to all you can on supporting yourself whilst trying to create change for the better in your life so that becoming happier can feel both possible and what you deserve.

If we stay in the identity that abusive people keep feeding us, how can we feel encouraged, or hopeful?

We can’t, so we have to work on separating ourselves from a poor and pale identity that we have become by constant insinuation. Through becoming the critique, they win, we lose, and they will never care. But you must.

There is work to do around this for sure, as l said, nobody is going to get a great gym body after one visit! But you will be on the path to happier change and each journey begins with one step...

You can do this!