Communicating by not communicating? Here’s how to change it

Communicating by not communicating? There isn’t anything healthy or good about it. Here’s why.

Not that many years ago, before mobiles and emails, we had to call on a landline or kind of turn up somehow. Of course even back “then” in those days of yore, being what is now called “ghosted” existed but it was called being ignored! So it’s not new, we just have a different buzzword for it and there is more information around how to know when it’s happening and what makes people do it.

However, you know what!? It didn’t feel good then either! 

Use whatever expression you prefer, and it doesn’t feel good now, and it is wholly about not having either enough learned regard for someone else, as it is incorrect in terms of behaving like a person who has a good enough value system to basically - let’s face it - either deal with things or care.

But, hey it is going on in spades and kind of just accepted now as how “it is”. The norm. A bit like the social version of the “new black”! So l thought l would explore this ghastly “norm”, so if you are affected by it or have been affected by it, to see where you stand with and by being at the receiving end of it. Or heavens above, being someone who does it. If you don’t like it here’s how to draw a line around it.

Fundamentally, yes, we are all busy people with loads to do on a daily basis - balancing, and coping just with everyday life...But - and it is a huge but- how do you feel when someone you either like, or deeply care about, or need to hear back from for a host of reasons doesn’t get back to you for a long while or even ever again?

No prizes for assuming here... not great!

Here are a few of the feelings you get from it, and this is what also what it also does to you and your mental health. So it is best to really limit being or staying in touch with those who choose to ignore you.

• feeling and being devalued
• feeling angry
• feeling disappointed
• feeling sad
• feeling depressed
• feeling resigned to low self-esteem
• feeling daunted
• feeling triggered 

These are a few of the ways lack of communicating will or can make you feel. None of them are good.

So should we, as the French say, just adopt a ‘laisser fare’ approach or attitude to it all or should we draw a line and speak up and say, 'This is really not good enough!'? Or have the strength of character to be curious and ask, by putting our head above the parapet of what is actually poor show, and the less it is questioned the less it becomes questionable.

Well, it depends l suppose as to whether you personally are OK with it or not. Some of us have thicker skins than others, but even if we either do or have just experienced this now so many times, it still lowers the tone and the quality of how we feel. As well as how we behave with one another.

Words like 'standards', 'duty of care' and of course, 'good manners' and 'common courtesy' come to mind.

Personally, I’m not an advocate of communicating by not communicating, I’m not OK with it, so l have adopted my own boundaries around it. I think it is shabby at best and downright rude at worst.

Here is it broken down into the different camps where it exists and the translation the lack of response and communication gives you.

The dating camp

You have been out a couple of times and it has been and felt mutually good and potentially ongoing. Happy days because, let’s face it, if you go out with someone now more than twice, it is almost considered and observed akin to betrothal! I can hear it now, you have seen them more than twice - 'Wow it’s looking like a thing!' onlookers will be saying.

Then - and here’s where the lack of communication and how it plays with your head can kick in - you are messaged once a week or less after what you thought and they said was lovely? What are you supposed to think or assume?

They could have just changed their mind. People do of course. Well, it's likely that they are not very interested. l or on board as now the momentum (and yes momentum in dating is crucial to moving forward) has fizzled out, and this kind of lack of response comes from an avoidant person if you are OK with dating an avoidant person that is fine, but if you are an anxiously attached person it probably won’t be a smooth relationship ride! If you are securely attached you it still will have lost momentum, the difference being will be that you won’t think it has anything to do with you, and you will just move on.

Strangely enough for those who don’t even think that communicating is important, they will assume that it is perfectly fine. The thing is if it isn’t for you, then you will henceforth be unclear with the person moving forward and moving forward will also henceforth be on their terms, not yours. Is that what you want? I’m thinking probably not.

The friendship camp

With those you would like to become closer friends with it is pretty much the same, if you are not messaged back or called back you will feel like you are the only one wanting to get together, and yes it is likely that you will assume that they aren’t as keen as you understandably. Does that feel good? No. 

I think also the key is mutuality. That is both experienced and also felt. When this exists it all feels so much better. So what do you do? Here’s what you do. You decide. You call it out.  You show up for yourself.

I have done this many times now since l woke up to how my being authentic with myself and others as against being inauthentic proved to be a game changer for me.

Why?

Because if someone values you regardless of what type of relationship you are either having, or hoping to have with them, they are totally ok with knowing what you are comfortable with and if they don’t then, well, they just don’t hang around, plus it is a really simple reliable way of eliminating self-absorbed disingenuous people or narcissistic people, at early doors, because, being called out is equivalent to showing garlic and a crucifix to a vampire. They’re gone.

So, it is not only ok to set standards of your own about this communication by not communicating, ghosting, or ignoring the thing that seems to be the hideous norm in the world of dating and yes dare say it just behaving with others in general.

What you are likely to get by setting these standards and calling them out is a far, far, better quality of relationship both with others and with yourself. Remember you have a voice, and you can raise the bar.