Bad relationship, but you stay? Here’s some help

Being badly treated in a relationship, but you are still in it? Here’s what to do.

It's good to remember that respect and trust are the oxygen in a relationship.

If you are in a relationship of any kind with someone, then trust, alongside respect, will be the bedrock of that relationship. Is this is absent by way of ongoing disregard, and here, l mean the treatment you are receiving does not reflect either of these then your self esteem will likely be very low, that is because bit by bit, the devaluation of your worth both to them and yourself consequently as a by product of poor treatment will be what eats away at you and haunts your thoughts, whilst also taking your logic hostage.

Firstly if there is no acknowledgement that this exists by them, and all the poor treatment is normalised, that is a difficult pill to swallow, and on top of that they are seemingly living their best life, as if there was no after thought or doubt or self investigation as to what they do and why they did that to another human being, namely you.

When, despite the avalanche of hurt that falls upon you, they remain unaccountable and probably always will.

Or will they? Because I do believe that God pays debts without money, and He sees all things.

Sometimes it is very hard to put words around feelings, around what is felt, at what is there deep inside and unnamed, and a burden, a heavy weight but when you have no way of being able to identify the angst, you are somehow a stranger within your own inner world and your own heart.

You are left holding the injustice. Affected while they are unaffected, changed while they are unchanged.

It’s somehow like perpetually holding a poison chalice. It’s a heavy feeling.

I personally have had two people who l believed to be significant in my life that produced that kind of feeling in me, and also a few of those where l had wanted to form a deeper connection with, that managed to pull the wool over my eyes. 

But in fairness to my own healing journey, I managed to call time on these in time, by listening to my own gut and acting on what it told me by trusting it, and making what l knew intellectually to become visceral, felt instead of known alone.

It still felt sad, it still felt disappointing and had that weariness about it, but, and this is a big but, I got out in time, l bailed. They never got the opportunity to do that to me, and l saw through the smoke and mirrors. Way before they got under my skin, or in my veins.

Please investigate where feeling invisible comes from.

If in your childhood feeling without a “voice” was the dynamic you lived with, then this will be pretty much normalised by way of the need to survive taking precedence, however when we are older and move into our adult relationships, then this will this will feel familiar and therefore, it will be how we expect to relate if this is all we have ever known, and relationships that mirror this will be mistaken for real connection.

It isn’t a real connection.

Real connection creates something within us called “limbic resonance”, which is a beautiful feeling, a feeling of deep emotional and physiological connection between two people, driven by the limbic system in the brain.

It feels good, it doesn’t unearth feelings of angst or confusion or sadness.

If you are having more bad and sad feelings than good ones, then the only person who can put a stop to this is you. 

Here’s what to do

I know, believe me, that this is easier said than done. 

Even in the light of the fact that you might be always left feeling devalued, and you have been “here” time and time again.

Never react. Every time you do, you will be giving your power away for free; respond instead. This means let some time pass before you say anything, call or message or write anything. In your response, you will be able to free of triggers and come back with something that is far more anodyne. 

Sometimes your silence can be your response. It is, after all, an injury that is emotional. 

Avoid words during any kind of either written or spoken response, like "you are" or "you did" or "do", use the word “I” instead. This alters the danger of sounding accusatory and takes it into the more empowered being able to come from where you are and not from what was done to you, but instead what you will allow.

Someone who devalues someone by any variant of belittling, and l really mean any, needs to be put in their own place by you putting a boundary around their behaviour without any feelings on your part of either fear or guilt

A person who cares about you, who respects you, will absolutely not take you and your worth as something that can be taken for granted.

The more you employ this boundary, the easier it will become, like a muscle that becomes more toned after continued expertise; the principle is the same.

Review with intent those you allow close to you. Their level of care needs to be at the same level as yours, and if it isn’t, either lower yours to match what you receive or end the relationship, or frankly, why stay where you are not valued, not for what you do or have done, but for who you are.