Are you stuck in a victim mindset?

Do you feel like life is an endless struggle? Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I’m not enough,” “I can’t cope,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m unworthy”? If so, you may be trapped in a victim mindset. A victim mindset involves seeing yourself as helpless, unlucky, or fundamentally flawed. It’s the voice inside that says, “Poor me! Everyone else is better, smarter, or more attractive than I am. The world is against me.”

According to Dr. Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle theory, this mindset places individuals in a self-perpetuating cycle of victimhood, often involving a rescuer or a perceived persecutor (Karpman, 1968). Sometimes, this mindset is obvious, but it can also operate subtly, shaping your actions and beliefs without your awareness.

Recognising the victim mindset

How can you tell if you’re living with a victim mindset? Start by reflecting on your thought patterns. Such as judging yourself and others: Comparing yourself to others, either feeling superior or inferior, is a hallmark of victim thinking. Research on social comparison theory by Festinger (1954) highlights how these comparisons often negatively impact self-esteem and perpetuate feelings of inadequacy.

Seeking to be rescued is another sign. Imagining someone saving you from your problems reflects dependency. Psychologist Melanie Klein’s Object Relations Theory (1935) suggests that unmet childhood needs for care and rescue may persist into adulthood, driving this behaviour.

Exaggerating life’s struggles is also a sign you are in a victim mindset. If you find yourself saying “Everything is so unfair,” or “Nothing ever goes my way,” then this tendency toward extreme thinking is often a defence mechanism rooted in unresolved childhood wounds (Young, 1990).

An important insight is that it’s not what happens to you, but how you perceive it. Life is challenging for everyone, but those with a victim mindset often see these challenges as proof that the world is against them in some way. This perception leads to feelings of disempowerment and a cycle of negativity.

The role of the inner child

The inner child plays a significant role in sustaining the victim mindset. Dr. John Bradshaw’s work on inner child healing (1990) explains how early experiences of neglect, trauma, or unmet needs create patterns of

• Self-sabotage. Repeating behaviours that reinforce feelings of inadequacy or failure.
• Confirmation bias. Accumulating evidence to support pre-existing negative beliefs about oneself or the world (Nickerson, 1998). For example, you might think, “I was hurt in the past, so I’ll always be a victim.” While it’s true you may have endured real pain or injustice in childhood, carrying this identity into adulthood keeps you stuck in the past.
• Moving beyond victimhood. Being a victim of your circumstances, such as abuse or neglect, does not mean you have to remain a victim for life. Surviving difficult experiences makes you a hero, not a victim. However, when the victim role becomes part of your identity, it limits your potential and holds you back from growth.

Here are five steps I use to help my clients break free

Challenge your inner child:

Recognise when your inner child is resisting change or seeking rescue. Gently but firmly set boundaries, saying, “Stop it. I’m in charge now.” This aligns with Bradshaw’s emphasis on “reparenting” the inner child to create healthier beliefs.

Identify negative beliefs:

Use self-inquiry to uncover the root of your limiting beliefs. Byron Katie’s The Work (2002) suggests asking:

• Why do I believe this?
• Where’s the evidence?
• What’s the alternative perspective?

These questions help clients confront and reframe the beliefs that drive their emotions.

Acknowledge your innate worth:

Your value and worth are inherent! No one can add to or take away from your self-worth. Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion (2003) emphasises how this mindset fosters resilience and emotional well-being.

Stop seeking external rescue:

I help clients understand that no one else can “fix” you, or meet your unmet needs. Self-empowerment and resilience are key to healing, as supported by studies on personal agency (Bandura, 1977). 

Embrace growth through challenges:

Viewing life’s difficulties as opportunities for personal development aligns with post-traumatic growth theory, which emphasises how adversity can lead to greater strength and meaning (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996).

Breaking the cycle

The victim mindset can create a vicious cycle in your relationships and career. You might unconsciously attract people who reinforce your feelings of being misunderstood or unsupported. This mirrors the dynamics of Karpman’s Drama Triangle, where victims, rescuers, and persecutors feed into each other’s roles.

To break this cycle, ask yourself: “Am I living as my authentic self, or am I letting my inner child dictate my reactions?” Dr. Carl Rogers’ concept of authentic self (1951) emphasises living in alignment with your true values and beliefs rather than past wounds.

Case study:

Julie’s Transformation from “Not good enough” to empowerment with life coaching and inner child work.

When Julie first sought life coaching, she was struggling with the belief that she wasn’t good enough. A professional in the corporate insurance industry, she often felt invisible and unable to voice her ideas during meetings with chronic anxiety. Despite her expertise and hard work, Julie stayed quiet, worried that her contributions wouldn’t measure up. She described feeling “stuck” in her career and doubted her ability to pursue a higher position. She was entrenched in a victim mindset.

Clients with a victim mentality believe that all of their failings and misfortunes can be blamed on someone or something else. A victim mindset, or Victimism is the feeling or belief that one is helpless in the face of misfortune (Oxford Dictionary).

During our initial sessions, it became clear that Julie’s self-limiting belief stemmed from deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy tied to her childhood. She shared memories of being criticised for speaking up as a child, leading her inner child to equate voicing her thoughts with rejection or judgment. This early programming had carried into her adult life, keeping her in a cycle of self-doubt. Believing others were better than her. A negative belief she carried into adulthood, and a belief that was attached to anxiety that she decided was responsible for sabotaging her career progress.

We began with targeted inner child therapy to explore and reframe these limiting beliefs. Julie was guided to connect with her inner child—the part of her still holding onto the fear of not being good enough. Through visualisation exercises, she reassured her younger self that it was safe to express her thoughts and that her voice was valuable. Over time, Julie learned to set boundaries with this inner voice of doubt and replace it with affirmations of self-worth. 

As Julie’s confidence grew, we shifted focus to practical strategies for her professional life. In coaching sessions, she practised speaking out by role-playing scenarios where she would share her ideas in meetings. We worked on her self-presentation skills, helping her to align her body language and tone of voice with her growing inner confidence. Gradually, she began applying these skills in her workplace, starting with smaller contributions and building up to larger discussions.

Julie’s transformation didn’t stop there. As she embraced her authentic self, by exploring her Needs, Values and Beliefs, she realised that staying silent at work no longer felt aligned with who she was becoming. For the first time, Julie began envisioning a future where she could step into a leadership role. Something she had never allowed herself to dream of before.  

With her newfound confidence, Julie identified a promotion opportunity within her company and decided to apply. Together, we prepared her for the application and interview process, focusing on articulating her strengths, accomplishments, and vision for her role. Julie entered the interview empowered, speaking with clarity and conviction. Julie not only landed the promotion but also discovered her voice in a way that extended beyond her career. She now feels fully capable of expressing herself, both personally and professionally.

Julie reflects on her journey with pride, describing how she went from feeling anxious, stuck and silenced to being an empowered leader who knows her worth.
Julie’s story is a testament to the power of combining inner child therapy with life coaching. By addressing the root of her self-doubt and equipping her with practical tools for growth, Julie was able to unlock her potential and thrive as her true self.

Stepping into your power

When you let go of the victim mindset, you can finally step into your power. Recognise that you are the creator, not the victim of your emotions. Cognitive behavioural therapy techniques can help you reframe your inner narrative and reclaim control over your perceptions (Beck, 1979).

By changing your inner world, you transform your experience of the external world. Challenges become opportunities for growth, and you move forward with confidence in your inherent value and worth.

Remember: You are not a victim. You are resilient, capable, and worthy of thriving, not just surviving.

References

1. Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39–43. The Drama Triangle, a framework describing the roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor in dysfunctional relationships.

2. Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.  Developed Social Comparison. How people evaluate themselves relative to others.

3. Klein, M. (1935). A contribution to the psychogenesis of manic-depressive states. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 16, 145–174.  
                                                         
4. Young, J. E. (1990). Cognitive therapy for personality disorders: A schema-focused approach. The impact of childhood experiences on adult beliefs and coping mechanisms.

5. Bradshaw, J. (1990). Homecoming: Reclaiming and championing your inner child. Bantam Books. Inner child healing and reparenting. 

6. Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175–220. 

7. Katie, B. (2002). Loving what is: Four questions that can change your life. Harmony Books.                                

8. Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualisation of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–90. 9.

9. Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioural change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191–215.

10. Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (1996). The post-traumatic growth inventory: Measuring the positive legacy of trauma. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 9(3), 455–471.

11. Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin.

12. Beck, A. T. (1979). Cognitive therapy of depression. Guilford Press.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a method for challenging negative thought patterns to improve emotional well-being.

13. Oxford Dictionary (2014) The definition of Victimism