How to give advice without telling someone what to do

When it comes to giving advice, there are a multitude of people always willing to help. People often feel good when they are in a position to help a friend in need overcome a challenge of some kind or another. Parting with information or knowledge from our own experiences, it can be easy to assume that because something worked for us, it might also be the right answer for someone else.

But have we really considered what the other person is telling us? Fully engaging with another person and listening carefully can sometimes help them explore their own thoughts and arrive at answers that make sense for them.

But in the frenetic pace of modern society, people are hard-pressed for time, so with the best intentions we may part with our own valuable experiences and knowledge and expect that person’s dilemma to be solved.

Why our own experience isn’t always the answer

Even when advice is well-intentioned, jumping straight to our own solution can mean we haven’t fully understood what the other person needs.

This can be like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Our own experience may provide useful information, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the same approach will work for someone else.

Offer possibilities, not instructions

Making a recommendation to consider an alternative to what they may have already tried or considered is a different story. This enables someone to take responsibility for their own outcomes by exploring other solutions rather than being told that there is one certain course of action to take.

Have you ever had anyone come to see you a few days, weeks or months later complaining that what you advised them to do proved to be a red herring or, worse still, a complete disaster?

It can be uncomfortable when someone follows our advice, and the outcome isn’t what either of us expected. Responses such as “I was only trying to help” or “You didn’t have to do what I said” can easily follow.

Think critically about advice you receive

When receiving advice, we also have a responsibility to think critically about what we’re being told. It is important not to take everything that is said as the gospel truth, as we can otherwise lead ourselves down paths that may prove difficult to rectify if unchallenged.

It is not rude or ungrateful to question what someone else is trying to share with us. Two people can experience similar situations very differently. What worked for one person may not fit another person’s circumstances, priorities or values.

Questioning advice can help you pull out aspects of another person’s solution to see how they could fit with your own dilemma, rather than simply adopting the whole approach.

Ask questions before offering solutions

Now, taking this advice-sharing to another level, how about asking questions about this person’s dilemma before even uttering any form of advice?

This is where you can encourage the person to think more deeply and focus on finding their own answer. I am not talking about random questions that get the person to regurgitate their problem for the umpteenth time. I mean questions that encourage the person to pause, reflect and consider something they may not have thought about before.

What makes a trusted adviser?

A trusted adviser gives the other person their attention, listens carefully and keeps that person’s needs at the centre of the conversation.

There are many skills and qualities involved in becoming someone others trust for advice and guidance, and these can take time to develop. A useful starting point is developing greater awareness of yourself - your assumptions, experiences, strengths and the way you tend to respond to other people.

Having this knowledge of self enables you to be more considerate of the needs of others and more thoughtful when parting with any advice. Realising that we experience the world in many different ways can help you adapt your guidance and encourage those in need to look at the bigger picture rather than jumping onto the first possible solution.

This can give the other person greater ownership of the actions they choose to take and more freedom to make their own decisions when evaluating their situation.

When people know that you will listen rather than immediately tell them what to do, you may find that they trust you more when they genuinely want another perspective.