A sense of belonging: Why relationships matter most in leadership

On my final day as headteacher, a parent handed me a gift - a framed photograph. In the picture, a group of children are standing by the canal near our school, waving toward the rooftop.

It was a snapshot from lockdown, a moment that might have been easily forgotten amid the endless demands of running a school during a pandemic. Yet, looking at the photo, I was struck by how much it captured: a sense of belonging, hope, and the quiet but vital power of connection.

Leadership during crisis: The power of small gestures

Schools didn’t close during COVID-19. A third of our pupils - children of key workers and those with vulnerabilities - continued to attend. But the familiar rhythms were broken. Corridors were half-empty, friendships were stretched across digital screens, and the heart of our community felt fragile.

In the midst of this uncertainty, we - staff and parents together - devised a plan. We arranged for families and children learning from home to gather safely by the canal, while we waved to them from the roof. It wasn’t grand. It wasn’t complicated. But it mattered. It reminded the children that even across the physical distance, they still belonged.

What stayed with me most wasn’t just the event itself, but the emotions it evoked. A deep sense of love and belonging. Sadness that we couldn’t connect more naturally. A nagging fear about what the future might bring for these children and their families. And pride - immense pride - in a community that held together even when the world was pulling us apart.

Leadership at that moment wasn’t about new policies or perfect plans. It was about presence. About seeing and being seen. About reinforcing, with a simple wave, that relationships are what hold us up when everything else is uncertain.

What the wave taught me about leadership

Leadership is often talked about in terms of strategy, innovation, and performance. But beneath all of that lies something even more fundamental: relational connection.

In his landmark work, Daniel Goleman showed that emotional intelligence - the ability to understand and manage emotions, both our own and others’ - is what separates truly effective leaders from the rest. As Goleman puts it, "The most effective leaders are alike in one crucial way: they all have a high degree of emotional intelligence."

In education, as in business, the need for belonging cannot be overstated. I heard Sammy Wright recently on Radio 4, speaking about how critical a sense of belonging is for students if they are to succeed, not only academically, but in life. When students feel connected to their school and to models of success within their community, they are more likely to engage, to aspire, and to thrive.

The same is true in every organisation. It’s not enough to have systems and structures; without relational glue, they collapse under pressure. "Social capital," as Robert Putnam described it, "refers to the connections among individuals - social networks and the norms of reciprocity and trustworthiness that arise from them." Without it, even the most brilliantly designed organisations falter.

Relational leadership beyond the school gates

In my coaching work now, these lessons resurface daily. Clients often arrive with a seemingly isolated problem: a difficult colleague, a micro-managing boss, an underperforming team member. But scratch the surface and a pattern emerges - these are not just individual issues; they are relational ones. The organisation's social fabric is fraying.

One client, a senior partner in a design agency, shared how, after fifteen years and multiple awards, she felt like an outsider. Despite her loyalty and talent, she didn’t feel seen or valued. Her concerns about belonging fell on deaf ears. Eventually, she left, taking with her not just expertise but also a reputation and leadership that the firm could ill afford to lose.

The cost of ignoring relational health is high. People don’t just leave companies; they leave cultures where they don’t feel they belong.

Amy Edmondson’s work on psychological safety highlights this beautifully: "Psychological safety describes a climate where people feel safe enough to take interpersonal risks by speaking up and sharing concerns, questions, or ideas." In cultures lacking this safety, innovation withers, engagement drops, and leaders lose sight of the human drivers of performance.

Relational intelligence: The hardest, most important leadership skill

If emotional intelligence is hard to develop, systemic relational intelligence is even harder - but it’s where the real work of leadership lies.

Leaders who tend to the relational health of their organisations:

• Retain top talent.
• Foster resilience in the face of disruption.
• Build cultures of trust, creativity, and belonging.

They don't see people merely as employees or resources, but as humans - humans who need to be recognised, included, and connected.

And the most powerful relational gestures are often the smallest: a wave, a word, a moment of real presence.

Reflection: How strong are your relational ties?

As you think about your own leadership, or the health of your organisation, take a moment to reflect:

• Visibility: How visible are you to your team or community? Do they feel truly seen by you?
• Belonging: How are you intentionally creating a sense of belonging, especially during times of change?
• Relational health: Where in your organisation are relationships thriving? Where are they weak or missing?
• Emotional intelligence: How attuned are you to the emotional and relational currents around you?
• Cultural strength: What rituals, practices, or small gestures reinforce a sense of connection in your culture?

Looking back at that photograph now, I realise: leadership isn’t just about grand strategies or perfect plans. Sometimes, it’s just about standing on a roof, waving across the distance, and reminding people that they belong.

In a world of constant change, it’s not our systems that sustain us - it’s the simple, human bonds we dare to build and maintain.