Should I stay or leave my marriage?

If you’ve found yourself asking this question over and over again, you may be waiting for a moment of absolute clarity – the point where you suddenly know what to do. You might have spent nights wondering, scrolling, watching and reading, hoping something will finally give you the answer.

I know that feeling because I was once there too. I was looking for the panacea to my dilemma, waiting for that one penny-dropping moment when the fog would lift, and I could clearly see the way forward. But it never came.

Not many people talk about this period of uncertainty: the space between questioning your marriage and knowing what you want to do next. I lost weeks, and maybe years, waiting for certainty.

What I eventually realised was that I didn't need to have the whole answer at once. I needed to start asking myself the right questions.

So, based on my own lived experience and that of hundreds of clients I’ve had the pleasure of working alongside as a divorce coach, I’m sharing a seven-step process to help you explore the decision – to stay or go.

Should I stay or should I go?

Step 1: Give yourself permission

You may have told yourself for many years that leaving is just not an option. There’re the kids, the financials, the lack of know-how and then your energy level too. The thing is, staying out of fear and the numerous lists of speculation and ‘What ifs’ is not the same as staying for love!

The first step is not the decision, it is the permission to even think about leaving. Ask yourself these questions: What if leaving was an option? What if staying was a genuine choice rather than something you felt you had to do? Give yourself permission to consider what each option could mean for you.

Step 2: Separate love and loyalty

We have often learned to associate loyalty with love. You may still love your partner, but is that enough?

Ask yourself these questions: Do you feel appreciated or more like a roommate? Am I staying for this person I love or because I have invested so much time with them, leaving would mean it’s been a waste? Just take a few minutes to jot your thoughts down on that.

Step 3: Pay attention to your intuition

Notice how your body responds as you think about your different options. Physical sensations don't necessarily tell you which decision is right, but they can give you something else to reflect on alongside your thoughts and practical considerations.

When you think about staying, do you feel like a weight has been lifted from your chest, or does it feel like you are carrying the world on your shoulders? When you think about leaving, do you feel nervous, but also a little bit lighter?

Pay attention to these sensations and consider what they might be telling you about how you feel.

Step 4: Are you a people pleaser?

I know how easy it is to want to turn to family, friends, and even strangers and ask, “What should I do?” But no one else has experienced your relationship exactly as you have. We all have our lens of bias, so save asking that question.

Instead, use your imagination, and ask yourself this one question:

“If I knew no one would judge me, what would I choose?”

How more enabling is that option, and it’s your own too!

Step 5: Visualise your life in five years

I like to call this the five years v five years. To do this, grab yourself a piece of paper and split it down the middle.

In the left-hand column, imagine your life five years from now if you stay in your marriage. What could that future look like? What might need to change? What could be positive and what might still feel difficult?

Then complete the right side. Imagine your life five years from now if you have left your marriage. Again, consider what that future could offer, what might be difficult and what would need to happen to make it work for you.

Looking at the two possibilities side by side may help you explore what matters most to you without assuming that either path is automatically the right one.

Step 6: Identify your fears

Fear has a wonderful way of keeping us stuck. It’s perfectly normal to feel that, particularly when we're considering a decision that could involve significant change and uncertainty.

Sometimes, it isn’t only the process of divorce that scares people. It’s the emotional aspects, the solitude, the financial insecurity, the anxiety, and then what if we get it wrong?

Now re-read that last sentence. Which of those fears feel most significant to you? Are there practical steps you could take to understand them better or find out what support might be available?

Every big life decision can come with fear. Fear can feel enormous, like a looming shadow on the wall, bigger and scarier than its actual source. The unknown can feel daunting, but identifying exactly what you're afraid of can make those concerns easier to explore.

Step 7: There is no such thing as the “right” decision

I know you weren’t expecting that step! Truth be known, there could be no single best solution. There could be several options, and one of them may be the best for you at this present moment.

It’s like that SAT NAV in your car, it gives you several possibilities to get to your destination, avoid the tolls, the fastest, the slowest, and perhaps the most picturesque route. Each represents a different way forward, and sometimes it's only with hindsight that we fully understand the decision we've made.

You will find your way, you have up until now, and you will continue to do so; it’s called the journey of life!

Finally, consider your next step

I found that clarity does not happen instantly. It happens slowly, in stages, by listening to your body and questioning what’s been and what can happen in the world of potentiality going forward.

What I do know is this: you deserve to live a life that is precious because you’re in it. Take a breath and consider what your next step needs to be.

If your relationship involves abuse, coercive control or concerns about your safety, seek appropriate specialist support rather than relying on these exercises alone.