7 steps to stop second guessing your decision to stay or go

If you’re reading this, then I dare say you’ve spent numerous nights wondering, scrolling, watching, and listening to a smorgasbord of readymade articles looking for clarity about this life-changing decision. “Should I stay, or should I leave my marriage?”

Let me start by saying you are not on your own. I was once there, looking for the panacea to my dilemma and it never came. Not many people have written about the period in between coming to the decision and sharing the decision with their stbx (soon to be ex). Even fewer have discussed the long, difficult process of waiting for that moment, the moment when the fog lifts and you can see the first steps ahead without your significant other by your side. Having been there, I lost weeks and maybe years waiting for that one penny-dropping moment, but it still never came.  

Instead, of waiting any longer, I’m sharing with you a seven-step process, based on my own lived experience, and that of hundreds of clients that I have had the pleasure of working alongside as their divorce coach. Let’s get to the nuts and bolts of the decision – to stay or go!

Should I stay or should I go?

Step 1:  Give yourself permission 

You may have told yourself for many years that leaving is just not an option. There’re the kids, the financials, the lack of know-how and then your energy level too. The thing is, staying out of fear and the numerous lists of speculation and ‘What if’s, is not the same as staying for love! The first step is not the decision, it is the permission to even think about leaving. Ask yourself these questions: What if leaving was an option? What if you could create a new exciting chapter your way? Just take a few moments to consider that.

Step 2: Separate love and loyalty

We have often learned to associate loyalty with love. You may still love your partner, but is that enough? You see, feeling pain in your relationship, isn’t love. Love is truly everything, it’s the highest sensitive step on the emotional ladder that you could ever experience. Ask yourself these questions: Do you feel appreciated or more like a roommate? Am I staying for this person I love or because I have invested so much time with them, leaving would mean it’s been a waste? Just take a few minutes to jot your thoughts down on that.

Step 3: Pay attention to your intuition 

Your body always tells you when you’re on the right path and facing your true north. You feel it, rather than think it! When you think about staying, do you feel like a weight has been lifted from your chest, or does it feel like you are carrying the world on your shoulders? When you think about leaving, do you feel nervous, but also a little bit lighter? These subtle indicators, the feeling in your stomach and the tension in the shoulders, are your body’s way of telling you something. Pay attention to your body’s sensations and listen to your inner knowing.  

Step 4: Are you a people pleaser? 

I know how easy it is to want to turn to family, friends, and even strangers and ask, “What should I do?” But no one has been in your shoes. No one has experienced what you have. We all have our lens of bias so save asking that question. Instead, use your imagination, and ask yourself this one question: “If I knew no one would judge me, what would I choose?” How more of an enabling opinion is that, and it’s your own too!

Step 5:  Visualise your life in five years

I like to call this the five years v five years. To do this, grab yourself a piece of paper and split it down the middle, in the left-hand column describe your life as it is now, in terms of familiarity, staying with your partner, and look ahead to the next five years will take you.

Then complete the right side. The flip and imagined side, is where you have acted and left your marriage. Which version looks more compelling with an authentic you at the helm? With change can come fear and yet it can come with excitement too.

Step 6: Identify your fears

Fear has a wonderful way of keeping us stuck. It’s perfectly normal to feel that, as after all it’s reassuring to know that it’s our brain doing its job. That little part of the brain called the 'amygdala' that wants to keep things ticking along, just nicely thank you, as it’s easier and more predictable.

Sometimes, it isn’t the process of divorce that scares people, after all that’s just ripping up the contract of marriage (an admin task set before a judge). No, it’s the emotional aspects, the solitude, the financial insecurity, the anxiety, and then what if we get it wrong? Now re-read that last sentence. Are those areas highlighted the same at any point of life, regardless of divorce? Yes indeed! We may lose family and friends at any time, we may lose our job due to redundancy or illness, and we may have levels of anxiety because, because, because. You fill in the blanks!

Every big life decision comes with fear. Fear can feel enormous, like a looming shadow on the wall, bigger and scarier than its actual source. Yet, when you turn and face it, you often realise it’s not as powerful as it seemed. The unknown may feel daunting, but it is also where growth and happiness reside. Let’s shine a light on them and enjoy all that there is on offer!

Step 7: There is no such thing as the “right” decision

I know you weren’t expecting that step! Truth be known, there could be no single best solution. There could be several options, and one of them may be the best for you at this present moment. It’s like that SAT NAV in your car, it gives you several possibilities to get to your destination, avoid the tolls, the fastest, the slowest, and perhaps the most picturesque route. All of which will move you forward positively and it’s only with hindsight that you have made the right decision. You will find your way, you have up until now and you will continue to do so, it’s called the journey of life!

Finally, act

I found that clarity does not happen instantly. It happens slowly, in stages, by listening to your body and questioning what’s been and what can happen in the world of potentiality going forward. What I do know is this, you deserve to live a life that is precious because you’re in it. Take a deep breath, and take the next step.