For so many of us the emotional aftermath of divorce can keep on whispering to our hearts and souls way longer than we might think.
We go into a marriage with soaring hopes of togetherness, connection, building a unit, a family and all the allure of such a marvellous belonging...and when the values and hopes of all of those fine things unravel we find ourselves initially in the sad echo of each disillusionment that lives within like an unwelcome guest and darkens our emotional landscape.
For each of us who finds ourselves in this aching place it is different and as unique as indeed we all are. However, when we need to find a way to a new beginning we need to know that we are not alone nor the first to find ourselves picking up broken pieces; that in the comfort of community there are some things that when shared we might benefit from through this time that walk us towards our emerging from it. So, here l want to cover some possible situations and some solutions to help.
If your divorce has happened for any of the reasons below, read on.
That is a real blast into so much pain...it covers rejection, betrayal, shock and heartbreak. These are grieving states and others' anecdotal trying-to-help comments can feel empty rather than comforting. I have had personal experience with this and it is derailing to say the least because the trust has been broken. Try and remember to hold on and for sure there will be someone else in the future who will value both you, and your shared fidelity...maybe someone so much better for you. Here the hope and the letting go of what has been needs to be made as large as possible.
Some things you can do to help:
Take up something new that has nothing to do with your past, a new hobby that is active like salsa, or learning a new skill. These ramp up a focus on newness. Remember, infidelity is about the person choosing to go there, it is never about you nor is it about your value!
Change your look, choose a new hairstyle, a new way of styling yourself... something you feel excites you.
Talk about your feelings to an impartial person, whomever that might be, a therapist or a coach. Feelings buried fester and re-emerge, remember when you bury pain it remains deep inside in mint condition, work through it.
Remember that leaving a relationship is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. We can unearth hugely valuable life lessons that serve to brighten and improve our futures, please hold on to that.
Give yourself time to grieve. Loss needs to be acknowledged through many different mediums, both spoken about, written about if you can, and by being allowed self-care, gentleness and the pacing of these things. Grief cannot be eliminated through running, when you run from it, it is very like part of our shadow whilst we are processing it.
In the glow of initial romance, or maybe before children come along we can feel like we are still singing from the same hymn sheet re our shared values. But sometimes things can surface if either one in the marriage feels neglected or not as important as they did in the honeymoon period. When we begin to feel separate in our outlook, it usually results in being or becoming physically separate. If we can acknowledge that in the everydayness of marriage we wanted different things for whatever reasons, moving towards accepting that and your brave need to draw a line in the sand will allow you to know more about what is so important about your internal values and landscape, so that next time, you will be aware of what truly doesn't work for you and what does!
Divorce is a grieving process, l know l have been through it, and also as a grief recovery specialist l know that coming out the other side of it is also possible.
Please remember whilst you are going through this. Your struggle is not your identity!
For further information on my work and services and all contact details in the recovery of grief please visit my profile. The first enquiry consultation is absolutely free.