Relationship Goals - Step 2 - How to work out what you want from a relationship?

It is important to be aware of what you want from a relationship and also what this relationship will give you. These are our personal values, qualities and beliefs - what matters to us on a deep level. For this question you must only think of what you want and work in the positives. As you consider the qualities, values and beliefs that you want you may come up with lots of:, “I DON’T want them to be...”. Instead ask yourself, “...so how DO I want that person to be instead?”

How to get in touch with your values

Values underpin all out thoughts, feelings and behaviours. They map out how we see the world. In date-coaching, understanding your values can help you realise what you want; it allows you to understand yourself better. Finding out this information will help you discover what you want from a relationship and instantly allow you to start looking for it.

Think about someone you really admire - they can be someone you know or a famous person. What is it you admire about them?

Make a list, describing the things you really value about them.

Think about each aspect carefully; they can be things like: honesty, freedom, creativity, security, stability, spontaneity etc.

Think about each one of these values in detail - what does this mean to you? Write this down.

These are also likely to be your values - what we often admire in others and are attracted to in partners are often the things we value in ourselves. Reflect on what your values are, because when you know you want something from a relationship there is usually a core value behind it that it matches.

When coaching on dating I then ask clients to think about the values they want their ideal man or woman to have. After all, if you don’t know what you’re looking for how will you know when you find it?

An Example:

Client:  I want someone with a good job.

Glow: If you had a relationship with a good job what would that give you?

Client: Stability

Glow: If you had a relationship with someone who is stable, what would that give you?

Client: It shows they are responsible

Glow: If you had a relationship with someone who is responsible, what would that give you?

Client: Trust

Trust = Core Value.

If you explore several things you want in a relationship and each time you come back to the same value then this is your core value. You can then start looking for it.

“What I want from a relationship” also includes things like marriage, children, ‘must love pets’, having a good job, be reliable, be attractive etc.

If you choose something like 'is loyal' ask yourself: How does that look to me? What would that person be doing that would show me that they are loyal? Give examples.

It helps if you are detailed about what you want and what those aspects will give you.  Use more paper if you need to if you run out of space on the model.

Make a list of all of your values, qualities and beliefs.

For example: trust, honesty, respect, loyalty, affection, fun, commitment - believes in marriage, wants a family.

Then rank these in order of importance to you in a relationship:

1) Honesty                                                    

2) Respect                                                   

3) Commitment- believes in marriage            

4) Wants a family 

5) Trust

6) Fun

7) Affection

This will help you when dating as you can see how the people you are meeting match your values. Then you can understand better if the relationship is worth going for or not.