Why do men struggle with friendship?

Consider this: among men under 50, the leading cause of death is suicide, and the greatest risk factor is isolation. This isn’t just an isolated statistic. Global health organisations - from the NHS to the WHO - stress the need to “combat loneliness and reduce suicide.” Yet, where’s the open conversation about friendship? We hear about 'community' and 'connection', but these terms feel abstract and distant. On the other hand, friendship is something we all know intimately - something we crave on a deep, instinctual level.

Imagine if I told you that developing friendships could improve your health, lower stress, increase your happiness, build strength, improve sleep, and maybe even make you wealthier - without costing you a penny. You’d be interested. The challenge is that these benefits aren’t linear or quantifiably obvious, so we often tackle health, sleep, or stress in isolation rather than acknowledging the role friendships play in improving all of them.

A clearer definition of friendship

One problem is that men tend to struggle with defining what friendship really means to them. Sure, a dictionary might describe a friend as someone you trust and care about. That’s true - but incomplete. I could name dozens of people who fit this description, but they live far away, or our lives have simply moved in different directions. Maybe they don’t see friendship the way I do.

What’s missing from this definition? I believe friendship includes four key elements:

1. Consistency or regularity

Those once-a-year meetups with old mates are great, but life is lived day-to-day. Rare reunions don’t fill the gap left by consistent, reliable companionship.

2. Support

Friendship means being there for each other, without expecting something in return. Men often struggle with two things: asking for help and sharing their successes. Ironically, celebrating wins with friends can feel harder than sharing our struggles.

3. Positivity

Support during tough times is crucial, but if your friendship is always negative, something’s wrong. A healthy friendship should lift you up, not drag you down.

4. Care

Men are often hesitant to express affection toward friends. We’ve been conditioned to see that as weak. But that’s nonsense. Real friendship involves showing care, even love. Whether it’s saying “Love ya, mate” or “Much love, brother,” it’s a step toward the honest expression we need but don’t often give.

“Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future.”

At the men's events and retreats I run, I often hear the same refrain: “It’s always the same routine - work, watch football, 'go pub' and repeat.” Many men surround themselves with familiar faces but don’t realise that these habits often do more harm than good, physically and mentally.

A challenge for you

How many of the hundreds, or even thousands, of friends you have on social media do you genuinely value and connect with? The paradox of modern life is that while we’re more connected than ever, it’s the quality of our relationships that truly matters.

How do we make friendship a priority?

For many men, admitting they feel lonely feels like admitting defeat. With societal roles shifting and the decline of traditional spaces like sports and religious gatherings, and the rise of remote work, many men are unsure where to find friendship.

We’re still wired for connection and, when we’re isolated, our psychophysiological response is to retreat further, thinking it’s protecting us from danger. So, as much as this might be keeping us from actual life-threatening danger, in reality, this only worsens the downward spiral of loneliness and thus predisposes us to higher chances of suicide. 

While we’ve progressed as a society, men often feel unsure of their role today. As women have fought for equality - deservedly so - many men are left wondering where they now fit in. Where are we needed? How do we contribute?

We must reclaim healthy masculinity. Qualities like strength, ambition, and protectiveness are vital, but we need to integrate these with empathy, vulnerability, cooperation, and feminine qualities we’ve been conditioned to suppress. It’s in this balance that real, meaningful friendships can grow. We can still challenge and compete with our mates, but we also need to nurture and support each other.

Where do I practice this balance?

A great place to start is a local or online men's group; Andy's Man Club, Men's Circle, and TRIBES are but a few. Here, you can practice, make mistakes, challenge, have fun. It's all welcome and, with the supervision of others, you will model high quality friendship.

Another place for me to physically practice this balance is through dance. Now, hear me out. Every week, I attend a sober dance class called 5 Rhythms or Ecstatic Dance that alternates between vigorous, assertive expression and gentle, flowing movements. In those moments, I feel a powerful blend of my masculine qualities as I stomp my way assertively through class only to flip it by carefully coercing my body to some melodic and more feminine music. It’s a perfect metaphor for friendship - sometimes strong, sometimes soft, but always dynamic.

Final thoughts: Big picture and small picture

Big picture

Men need to redefine their strength by embracing vulnerability. By finding this balance, we can model healthier relationships for future generations, ultimately reducing loneliness and suicide. More spaces for men - whether retreats, support groups, healing circles or just simple get-togethers - are crucial for practising this new language of friendship.

Small picture

You can’t find happiness without real friendships. If your current circle isn’t fulfilling that need, don’t be afraid to make changes. Take small steps, like dropping unkind jokes or going out of your way to show your friends you care. Over time, the words “I love you” might just flow naturally.

Take care of yourself - and your mates. Thanks for reading.