The secret to discipline and boundaries

Two things that everyone finds hard are discipline and setting boundaries. I don't think we find these things hard because they are difficult to do - but more that we don’t really know how to do them effectively.

For example, here are two common misconceptions about discipline and boundaries:

“Discipline determines your level of success” and “Boundaries feel good when you set them.”

Let’s start with discipline. It’s quotes like this that are often the reason why people beat themselves up for not having enough. As if there are certain people who are just born with the ability to be disciplined and you’re not one of them. Like it’s inherent or a personality trait. Something harsh that requires you to force yourself into an unfamiliar shape, like a square peg through a round hole. 

The reality is that discipline is learned 

It is acquired through developing habits and a mindset that supports how you want to behave every day. And the reality of the situation is that you can’t just BE more disciplined. In fact, the more you try to do this, the more you’re likely to fail because every time you shame yourself for not being disciplined, you’re creating more stuckness. And that means you’ll stay exactly where you are. 

If a lack of discipline feels familiar then the likelihood is that it’s got nothing at all to do with your ability to actually be disciplined - and everything to do with the methods that you’ve tried to use to get there. You just haven't found the right way for you yet (I promise you there is one).

We tend to view discipline, motivation, calmness etc like they are a state of being or a personality trait. But they are daily practices built on habits and what you do and think on repeat. And they are fueled by self-compassion, not being hard on yourself. 

Changing up daily routines to include small but mighty habit shifts is the key to more discipline and motivation...

...and all the good stuff. But only if you’re also clear on what’s stopped you before now. You have learned how to regulate your nervous system so that it supports, rather than interrupts, your goals. 

The how is knowing the way to shape your mindset and implement habits that will work for you (not for someone else). But also identifying why you haven’t been able to do this before now i.e. what emotional blocks are in the way.

Often this also means working with your nervous system so that you are not wasting physical and emotional energy on panic, anxiety, dread - or repeatedly freezing at the moment of change - so you can take steps into new things even if it feels scary and unfamiliar or you’re not sure if it will work out. 

It's this nervous system connection that is also so important for boundaries

There is a level of discomfort involved in setting boundaries that can make us feel really anxious. Most of my clients struggle with boundaries when they come to me. And it’s not surprising because...

• No one teaches us how to set them (if you’re lucky they were modelled to you as a child but that doesn’t always happen).
• Sometimes we aren’t allowed to set them as children (or adults). 
• We often fear boundaries will damage connections (when actually they strengthen your relationships and show people how to love you).
• Older generations struggled too and passed this on down. 

No one enjoys setting boundaries. But when you’re ok with discomfort you can stand firm in the face of anyone’s bad reaction.

• You know your worth
• You know the reaction will pass
• And you know that this is for a good reason

How do you become OK with discomfort?

By learning how to stay out of panic mode. Or fight or flight. Calming your body. Quieting the mind.

You can break the cycle and learn the magic of boundaries - anyone can.  It’s just about learning to be ok with discomfort. 

So why have I lumped boundaries and discipline together in this article?

Because they are two things we always find difficult because they can both be disrupted by a nervous system that has been triggered. Anxiety can make you give up a longed-for boundary and it can stop you from doing what you say you will through fear, for example. And what’s even more useful is that the solution to both is learning to have a better relationship with your nervous system - even just to be aware of what’s happening in your body at any given moment and moving away from the idea that it’s only what’s happening in your mind that matters.

If you want to be disciplined you can’t do this without understanding how to work with your nervous system. And if you want to set boundaries then this requires ease with discomfort - which is also about working with your nervous system. So, it all comes down to that nervous system connection, linking up mind and body - and no longer ignoring the impact that your mind has on your physical being - and vice versa. 

Building the nervous system connection to create resilience

There is one simple tip that I have for anyone who wants to strengthen this connection and it’s this: set a reminder on your phone for every hour during the day to ask yourself this question: “How do I feel right now and what do I need?”

This will get you into the habit of checking in with yourself and building awareness of what’s happening in your entire system - as well as what you need to do to take care of it. If you want to be truly resilient - and disciplined and boundaried - then this is the best starting point you will ever have.

There are so many ways to develop the habits you don't currently have - and be the kind of person you want to be - and all of this comes down to finding the right way to do this for you. The resilience coaching process will help you discover how to optimise the way you function, let go of damaging stereotypes and bad information and enjoy the ease of understanding how to ride the waves of life authentically and with style.