Six reasons you keep attracting narcissists
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is defined as an “all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts, such as family life and work”.
Being devoid of empathy, people with narcissistic personality disorder are generally unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, preferences, needs, priorities and choices of others. They often rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people they consider unworthy or inferior to them.
Some people never get over the extensive and extreme damage this behaviour causes. Particularly if you are a highly sensitive person, you may notice that your well-being, self-worth and health are hampered by the behaviour of a narcissist. This is the case for me.
I have always been highly sensitive, empathic and caring and I attracted one narcissist after another into my life from childhood, up until the point I transformed my past and my limiting subconscious beliefs. I am now no longer addicted to these people and no longer draw them into my life.
Why do I attract narcissists?
There can be many different things that attract narcissists to someone. Using a range of emotionally manipulative behaviours and techniques, those who are more trusting or naive in nature may not recognise the early warning signs of these unhealthy behaviours. This can make you are more attractive target, as the narcissistic person is able to successfully manipulate you without facing consequences.
Generally, narcissists are attracted to:
- Those who they feel are impressive. This could be through their career, hobbies, talents, or connections (friends, family or work related).
- People who make them feel good about themselves.
- Those who make them look good to others.
- People who overlook their flaws, validate how they feel, and are unlikely to challenge or leave due to their negative behaviours (narcissistic abuse).
Why am I attracted to narcissistic personalities?
The reasons you are attracted to them and give your power away to them may include:
1. Narcissist behaviour feels normal
Maybe you grew up with parents or other caregivers that were narcissists. They had no empathy or understanding for you. They may have emotionally, physically or sexually abused you. Maybe they were an alcoholic or struggling with depression or another mental illness. Or, perhaps they just had no time for you. This is the behaviour you are used to.
2. You believe your feelings and needs don’t matter
This results in you sacrificing your needs and suppressing your feelings so that you can please others and make them happy. You put other people first all the time and find it difficult or impossible to say no when someone asks you to do something that you don’t want to do. You may not even know what you want because you may have learnt as a child that it was wrong to want anything.
3. People pleasing behaviour
Getting your self-worth by constantly trying to please other people involves giving your power away. But, when you do this with a narcissist, you will never be able to please them. They constantly change their mind and raise the bar about what they want - to keep you trying harder and harder and making you feel more of a failure.
4. Needing other people’s approval
Initially, narcissists can make you feel like you have met your soul mate as they give you so much positive attention and approval. As soon as they know they have got you hooked, they start criticising, judging and doing all they can to make you feel worthless. Someone needing approval then tries harder and harder to get their approval.
5. Needing to fix someone
This may be an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler or someone else who is struggling with life. But, we can’t actually fix anyone as they have to do the inner work themselves.
A narcissist will often talk about how difficult their life is and how it is everyone else’s fault. They do this to see if you are a caring, empathic person who is likely to become addicted to helping them. They also believe that everything is everyone else’s fault and that their manipulative and abusive behaviour is justified.
6. I’m unlovable/I’m worthless
Having this belief will cause you to not be attracted to and reject anyone who loves and cares for you. You don’t think you deserve to be loved so you settle for poor treatment from others.
When you transform your past traumas and limiting beliefs, you are able to find self-love and self-worth inside yourself and no longer need to give your power away trying to get love and self-worth from others. You are able to take care of yourself and put yourself first and say no to others when you need to. You no longer need other people’s approval so you feel free to be authentic and speak your truth.
Low self-worth and people pleasing behaviour isn’t attractive to a potential partner unless they are a narcissist. When you can feel self-worth and self-love you are no longer attracted to controlling and abusive narcissistic behaviour. You start to attract caring and supportive people into your life.
Find out more about narcissistic personality disorder, including the symptoms and causes, as well as treatment options that can help those with NPD build healthier relationships. Looking to improve your self-worth and learn how to love yourself more?
Find out more about how you can invite more supportive people into your life a build healthier relationships with the help of a coach. Improve your sense of self-confidence and self-esteem, or find out how a friendship coach can help you to maintain healthier relationships.
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