Relationship coaching 3: What can I offer to a relationship?

What you can offer to a relationship often mirrors what you want from a relationship. I go with the idea that what you give you receive - so if, for instance, you want a relationship that is full of trust so you to must also be trust-worthy. Now list the things you feel you can offer to a relationship: e.g. love, trust, romance, affection, fun, stability, respect, etc.

The next step is to reflect on yourself and think about times when you can prove you have brought those things to a relationship, e.g. I know I am trustworthy as I am always faithful in a relationship.

You may discover you thought you have been offering things to a relationship but have been unable to find examples to prove you have. In this case I would say that you have not yet brought this to a relationship but perhaps you want to in your next one. To get this going, I would think of what evidence will show an offer in practice. For example: I want to give ‘attention’ within a relationship - to do this I will make time to spend with my new partner doing things together that we both enjoy.

You might not have found the relationship you want yet because you have not been able to offer what the relationship requires. In order to discover what you can offer it helps to be really honest about yourself. Perhaps you want respect from your partner but have never been able to be entirely respectful towards them and therefore not received it back from them.

Also, through refection, you may discover you are not able to offer some of the things you want from a relationship. Perhaps you should re-evaluate if you really want them or if they are things you think you SHOULD want rather than actually DO want.

Some values like “Freedom” and “Security” directly conflict with each other. You might want security but be offering something that’s more like freedom; you may have to figure out what each means to you in terms of a relationship. Which one is a greater priority to you at the current moment or in this present relationship? Be aware these priorities could change depending on the next person you meet, age or circumstance.


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