Foundations

The key to successful relationships is to build a good solid foundation.

Much like how we build a house, it's essential that we lay a good solid foundation, it is the bedrock in any area of our lives, my focus here is on relationships. Without a good start, relationships may become doomed to fail. 

Good solid foundations are built via the magical moments of friendship; an openhearted space to share goals and dreams, likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, which ultimately forge a beautiful friendship connection add in some fun, laughter and sprinkle in some chemistry for good measure. By really getting to know each other will create a good solid foundation for a long, fulfilling relationship to cherish.

Much like baking a cake, get the ingredients right and you will produce a wonderful creation, and every relationship deserves to be a masterpiece baked with love!

In short, many people enter into relationships without building their own solid foundation first. They rely on another to bring them happiness, without ensuring they come to the party already happy in their lives, looking to the other to fill the void, of course this feels wonderful at first, but then we end up having unmet needs and false expectations which lead to disappointments and upset. This can prove to be fatal for the longevity of a happy partnership.

Generally people bring to the table past issues, unhealed childhood trauma, poverty, bullying and failed relationships. That ultimately can mean living in the dark confines of the minds with depression, addictions and poor unsupportive choices.  Oftentimes we even try to be someone we are not, in order to make the other person happy because we fear we are not good enough in some way... 

So how do we make better choices? What is the answer? How do we make sure we are 'enough'?

Look within

Now this can be a tough one, when I first entered the personal development world I never understood this. However the simplest questions can cause stumbling blocks  like 'Who am I?' or 'What makes me happy?' Which then brings me to the first things to notice in self discovery - what makes me sad, angry, worried, disappointed, scared, fearful or depressed?

One thing I have realised is that mental health is key in everyone's lives, it is from this place that we make our decisions and choices and can keep us stuck in repeated negative thought patterns. My own marriage suffered and broke down due to my poor self-confidence and esteem, and from this dark place we react in  unhealthy ways or put up with manipulation, abuse or having uncontrollable emotions because we don't feel worthy for the other person.

Personally, from this paradigm I realised that whoever we are in life, we get the wonderful opportunity to make better choices for ourselves, and for the ones we love so dearly, by looking deep within to heal our traumas and look at life in a different way.

Childhood patterning is conditioned from the ages of 2-12yrs old. This is when we are impressed upon the most, and the things we learn in this time are the beliefs we continue to nurture into our adult lives... Interesting eh? Raising the thoughts of... Who made the rules we live by? It's been interesting in my journey to observe children, if they grow up in challenging families you may experience one of two behaviours; When children feel unsafe with their parents, for whatever reason, this is the pattern that I mostly see;

The adaptive child 

This behaviour is usually born from the need to keep the peace, to be a good child and not to rock the boat. Causing distraction from the 'stuff' going on in the family by being a really good human, super helpful indoors, a fabulous student, with awesome grades and shining school reports. What a massive burden for a small child to feel that they need to step into this role and be too grown up for their age, they will often take on a parent role if one of the parents is not present in the dynamic through mental health, alcoholism or similar... This leads to an adult who is a perfectionist and does it all, while still trying to please everyone else and puts herself at the bottom of the pile.

The disruptive child 

This behaviour is born from the desperate need to distract thoughts away from the disruption they cannot cope with, within the family dynamic. They will present as always cheeky, fun, constantly causing a commotion, running havoc, getting into trouble at playgroup or school, distracting every situation with mischievous behaviour which inevitably shifts into the rule breaking child, as they hit their teens. This too has a massive strain on their mental health as they feel they always need to cheer people up, make them laugh and distract people from the hurts.

Sibling rivalry 

When these two behaviours live alongside each other, it can create a feeling that the other child is loved more because actually both extremes are very endearing and both bring wonderful gifts to the table, yet more often than not they will both feel like the other one was loved more... which creates the feeling of not being good enough with shaky insecurities.

In effect, looking into our past is a wonderful tool for uncovering the things that are buried deep within, perhaps even stuff that we never realised existed. Which is why we construct negative patterning and behaviours that don't serve us such as eating disorders, to addictions like drugs, alcohol or co-dependent partnerships, with a distorted view of the world, which inevitably destroy relationships with paranoia and mistrust.

So, to build that solid foundation we need to go back to basics, find the pain point and take inventory of what no longer serves us. To create a void to start building in strategies to raise your self-esteem and confidence.

Your solid foundation is the key to a fulfilling and happy life, to look at the world through new eyes with excitement, to create your bliss and see the good in situations, to appreciate your life.

Your mind is like a garden, till the soil, pull the weeds and plant flowers.  Life is for living, when would now be the right time to start living the life you were born to?

Life Coach Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Gillingham, Kent, ME8

Written by Melanie Smith

Gillingham, Kent, ME8

Inner confidence is the best way to create massive shifts so that it shines out - Coaching gets you there very quickly. Relationships are the most important aspect of our lives. Every interaction with another is a relationship. bringing us connection, love, comfort, meaning, guidance, support, frie...

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