Are you fearful of relationships, yet long for them? Here’s why

Let's start by explaining the fearful avoidant attachment style... 

Our early experience of relationships are either life-sustaining or life-threatening, bearing in mind as infants we are looking to our parents or caregivers for our survival.

We are also much smaller than they are as children, so if someone you depend on who is much, much bigger than you are for some reason out of control or unpredictable, you will be as scared as hell for sure!

I believe what happens with the fearful avoidant is that there is a feeling of overwhelm with feelings that are largely very contrasting.

So it is very much a case of approach and avoid and safer not to conclude that someone is “safe”, but to hedge your bets. As in connection is wanted but not trusted or felt to be safe because people you are close to will not or might not behave predictably, and this will feel dangerous and very primally as a survival threat, even when as an adult it actually isn’t, but the early childhood memories will still “win the day” by kicking in and taking over. So for sure the same person they turned to as children for safety and comfort will have been the same person who was unpredictable.

Can you see their dichotomy? 

Overwhelm is very often felt and making up their mind is easier when the person is at a distance and are “fearfully avoided”.

So pursuance is OK, but don’t relax – remain on guard and be ready to get out as soon as something might happen.

Big trust issues, often even if you give them a genuine compliment, it won’t be believed or trusted. Their brain will always be circling around the thought that there might be an ulterior motive, something behind things.

Characteristically, things get even worse the more things are felt as right and the more things are felt as loving, on track and right this is exactly when, if something is going to go wrong, it will be then or any minute.

Here sabotage is often prone to be used, to placate their nervous system, this hard-wiring kicks in. This is absolutely not a conscious thing but an innate response to a corrupt belief.

So your conscious intention is to stay close and connected, but your nervous system won’t let you.

Can you imagine the turmoil this creates?

Intimacy is understood to be desirable and even longed for and also possible when fantasised about, but the minute it really shows up, you want to get the hell out fast.

This dynamic can exist really well in relationships of limerence. Please refer to an earlier article l have written on limerence – whereby the basis is that of a “crush” and imagined, as well as in long-distance relationships because they are rarely actuated beyond a couple of weeks or a few days at a time. So the experience is sporadic intimacy. But intimacy felt as a potentially day-to-day connection is felt as a threat and panic and action often ensues.

This results in huge confusion not only for the other person but also for the fearful avoidant because as soon as they get something close to love and potential connection they don’t “want” it anymore.

Strangely, l think that having a relationship with another avoidant person is more possible than a securely attached person, but it will be felt as agony for an anxiously attached person!

It is important to remember that it is the nervous system at play here and not the desires of the heart. Hard to remember by either the person who is given to this “push, me pull me” dance of relating, but nevertheless true. 

I think it also fair to mention that for the fearful avoidant, in contrast to the dismissive avoidant – the other avoidant type – actually really wants connection and closeness, whereas the dismissive avoidant does not as much or at least is far less likely to become panicked or emotional. So when at a distance, when the nervous system of the fearful avoidant has calmed and they can then imagine the joy of love and connection once more, because of the distance and their calmed nervous response, they then become truly saddened and distressed.

Inconsistent caring in early years mostly definitely causes problems in adult relating but suppose your mother (if she is your primary caregiver) is anxious and your father is avoidant, you will also be likely to develop and be capable of showing up differently with women than the way you do with men.

However, the better you are informed, the easier it will become to experience the other person’s narrative and story. This can make it possible to feel the behaviours of others as understood and therefore less of a personal threat.

Also understanding causation can make you see how you developed this style of relating to survive. But surviving when your nervous system is running the show as an adult can cause you all kinds of problems based on what is feared and imagined and not actually true.

Looking for clues as to why or where constantly leads to overthinking. That road doesn’t ever take you anywhere reliable and comfortable because of the endless variants and possibilities that will always remain supposition.

It is far better to work on calming the nervous system to allow room and space dispelling the feeling of such conflict where one thing is going on one moment and one thing the next.

You are as an avoidant based upon fear, dealing not only with the avoidant triggers but also the anxious triggers. Balance is so needed between the logical self and the feeling self.

This is entirely possible through therapy which will move you towards a more secure base, whereby you are less fearful and more content.