Masks and the true self

We put on the masks early in life. They give us a “false self” identity,  protecting us from the unbearable pain of the core wounding of our childhood - feeling not good enough, unloved, scared, helpless, weird, unworthy.

The masks are, therefore, there for good reason. However, as they protect us, so they suppress our true self. To not be connected with our true self, and to instead be constantly living as someone else, even slightly, depletes our energy, creates anxiety and depression and keeps us, ironically, further away from real connection and true love. 

As children, we have an acute, innate awareness that we need our caregivers to approve of us and our behaviour. To like what they see of us. We know we need this connection as we are small and vulnerable, and without it, we will lose their love and care, and, essentially, could die. 

We quickly become aware of the behaviours that give rise to their approval, and their disapproval. Maybe we have to get the grades to receive love, or be a pretty girl, or a good boy, or play nicely, or stay calm and quiet. Maybe we are praised for being neat and tidy, or funny, or told that our upset, our fear and our anger aren’t appropriate and aren’t what our parents or teachers want to see. 

As a child, it’s very dangerous to make our caregivers wrong. This can and often does come later on, and rebellion is the outcome, but in our earlier years we can’t risk pinning blame on our parents because, as we have said, we rely on them for our very existence. If they can’t be wrong, we must be. We must be weird, different, not OK. Our truest essence, how we would naturally show up in the world, must actually be unloveable, not good enough, not worthy. We will always turn in on ourselves.  

We have two main needs in childhood, connection and authenticity. But we will often sacrifice authenticity in a heartbeat to maintain (the illusion of) connection. We will put on the mask. 

In doing so, we will suppress our true emotions and feelings, hide aspects of ourselves away from others, and even ourselves, in an innocent attempt on the part of our nervous system to stay loved, approved of, and therefore “safe”.

So this is why we mask. To fit in. To be approved of. To hide from the raw pain of childhood wounding that our systems cannot bear to feel. It’s a brilliant protection strategy on the part of our nervous system. The trouble is, as many of us know, as we start to reach adulthood, the same protection strategies can start to feel like chains around us. Holding us back from really being free to be in the world. 

To drop the masks isn’t always something we can just do at will. Until our nervous system feels safe enough to be fully, authentically, present in the world, and has healed and cleared the core pain that keeps the false self in place, doing its job, it can feel extremely difficult to love ourselves at our core and live in alignment with our true selves.  

With the right support, however, it’s always possible. Who we really are, our truest essence, hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just been obscured, by years and years of layers of masking, of “winning formulas” and innocent pain avoidance. A trusted guide can help us to clear this path and gently find our way back to Self.