How to get noticed for all the right reasons
Assertive people feel comfortable expressing how they feel. They do not waffle, or feel obliged to justify, defend or explain their reasoning. They know their rights, they feel worthy, important and deserving. They are willing to be open and to compromise, as they do not always expect to get their own way. They have an ‘I like you, but I like me too’ approach. They are confident about handling conflict and they are able to give and receive positive and negative feedback. They face the other person, look them in the eye, keep an open mind and demonstrate open body language. They watch their words and use ‘could’ and ‘might’ instead of ‘should’ and ‘must’.
They feel in control of themselves and feel competent, and they refuse to allow others to manipulate or control them. They always address issues as they arise, not a week or a month later. They are aware that they are 100% responsible for their own happiness and serenity. They place a high priority on having their rights respected but they also respect the rights of others.
They do not strut around with a sense of entitlement and expectations of everyone meeting their needs, nor do they claim responsibility for how others think and feel. They own their stuff and do not dish out misplaced anger or inappropriate behaviour.
Assertive people are clear, honest and to the point. Misplaced anger means that, if I am cross with my partner and haven’t dealt with it and you happen to say the wrong thing, I will be angry at you. It’s misplaced because it isn’t about you; it is my anger directed at my partner that I haven’t dealt with.
Never be swayed or lose your footing. Remember: confident, empowered successful people are assertive and expect to be treated with respect, because they respect themselves.
In order to shine you must not explain, justify or over-defend; just be direct and firm. If someone resists just keep repeating what you want to say, like a broken record. You must back up your boundaries by taking action and staying firm in order to take yourself seriously and have others take you seriously. Don’t make your boundaries too rigid or too loose. This takes practice and time if you haven’t done it before.
You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction or response to your boundaries. Often you will find you are tested when you first do this, especially by those who are controlling you, abusing you or manipulating you for their own benefit. They won’t like the new assertive, confident, empowered you. So be aware and remember it’s about you feeling happy and feeling worthy and raising your confidence and self-esteem.
The power of the spoken word
Your thoughts create your reality, and when you are being assertive it is crucial to use words that have an absence of doubt.
- ‘I think’ to ‘I know’.
- ‘I’ll try’ to ‘I will’.
- ‘I’m not sure’ to ‘I am certain’.
- ‘Maybe’ to ‘definitely’.
- ‘Possibly’ to ‘I will confirm that’.
- ‘I may be wrong about that’ to ‘I am confident about that’.
- ‘I’ll see’ to ‘I can’ or ‘I will’.
- ‘It’s OK, it doesn’t matter’ to ‘here’s what I would like’.
Make it happen. You can do it.
It's your time to shine.
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Lorna Payne - LMP TherapyNovember 7th, 2017