Life Coach Directory » Relationships

Early affection helps children to better cope with adult stress

Emma Hilton — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 08:00:11 +0000

Receiving lots of affection as a young child could help us to better cope with the stresses and strains of adult life, says a recent study.

These findings come from a study of almost 500 people, from the US state of Rhode Island, who were studied as children and then again as adults.

The study began with eight month old children and their mothers receiving a psychologist rating based on the quality of their interactions during a routine developmental check up.

The psychologist judged how well the mother responded to her child’s emotions and needs before giving an ”affection score” which was based on the warmth of their interaction.

Thirty years down the line the researchers revisited the child participants who were now adults, and asked them to take part in a survey about their well-being and emotions.

The survey involved questions about whether they believed their mothers had been affectionate towards them and they could respond with answers ranging from ”strongly agree” to ”strongly disagree”.

After analysing the results the researchers found that the children who received the most affection were the ones who dealt with anxiety the most effectively compared to those of emotionally cold mothers.

The researchers believe the study contributes to a growing body of research which suggests that the early childhood years are what sets the stage for later experiences in life, though other influencing factors such as personality and upbringing could not be ruled out.

A good network of friends can boost survival

Emma Hilton — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 11:42:29 +0000

According to a recent US study, having a good network of friends and neighbours boosts survival chances by around 50%.

A team of researchers from Brigham Young University conducted a meta analysis of almost 150 studies which looked at survival odds and social networks.

From the results they calculated that having very few friends is actually as damaging to survival as smoking 15 cigarettes per day or being a heavy drinker.

Julianne Holt-Lundstad led the study and has said she believes that the results are related to the fact that caring for others makes us better care for ourselves.

“When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves and taking fewer risks.” She said.

The study looked at over 300,000 people from four continents over a period of seven years. It was those who had a strong network of friends that fared best in terms of lifespan and were found to be almost twice as likely to be alive at any given age than those who were lonely.

Participants of the study included those of all ages and background, but the findings remained the same and regardless of initial health status.

If you are suffering from loneliness then try to find out about activities going on in your local area which you can get involved in. Good places to try would be local websites, doctors surgery’s, local shops, library’s and the citizens advice bureau for leaflets and information and if you have a community centre and or a church near by these are also great starting points.

If you feel like you may be suffering from a more serious condition such as depression it is important you visit your GP who will able to give you the appropriate help and support.

Are obese children cause for child protection intervention?

Emma Hilton — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 08:00:36 +0000

Experts on children’s health are saying parents of obese children are guilty of neglect and failure to instil a good diet and exercise could become a child protection issue.

Parents who avoid weight management initiatives, ignore advice and guidance from professionals and fail to help their child eat and exercise properly could make them guilty of neglect.

Though experts at the UCL Institute of Child Health in London say that weight itself is not a reason for authorities to get involved, they have suggested it may be appropriate to consider the child protection register if the parents consistently fail to adopt suggested changes to the family’s lifestyle and will not actively participate in outside help.

In an article featured in the British Medical Journal, UCL highlighted how if a parent fails to provide their children with treatment for a chronic illness such as diabetes, this is classed as a form of neglect and grounds for a child protection registration.

This could involve not turning up to appointments or failing to get involved with healthcare staff or various other professionals.

Dr Russell Viner of UCL has said he and his colleagues plan to review all of the evidence to search for a link between neglect and childhood obesity as currently no guidelines exist for professionals.

On the opposing side many are saying removing children from their parents may only make matters worse, as studies have found that 37% of children in care were overweight or obese with half having put on the weight after being put into care.

Viner has said that before a child would be put on the register there would have to be clear evidence over a sustained period that parents were not complying with a treatment plan.

Why eat at the table?

Emma Hilton — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 08:00:42 +0000

Our children learn from the examples we as adults set for them and it is often the simplest of things that will help them along in their development.

Recent research has suggested that work commitments flout 52 percent of people’s dinner plans, whilst 91 percent of people believe dinner was the best time to catch up with family.

Gathering round a table to eat as a family teaches children to develop social skills such as etiquette and will also encourage them to develop their conversation in a very natural environment.

It is very typical for children of a young age to mirror the behaviour of their parents or another adult during mealtimes, so what better opportunity is there to provide them with a perfect example of immaculate social skills?

One of the best things about this simple tip is that it brings the family together even if for only a short while per day. Family meals are hugely interesting and dynamic, so voice opinions and feelings and reconnect with the family. Many of us spend far less time with our families than we would like to so use this time wisely to find out about each others likes, dislikes and general life.

As mentioned earlier etiquette and manners are an important feature of upbringing so the basic skill of learning to use a knife and fork can be learned in a very natural environment.

Parenting and child behavioural expert Eileen Hayes says: ‘For many families the evening meal is the best opportunity to spend quality time together. Eating the meal on the sofa in front of the TV can reduce the opportunities for communication between family members and impact on the development of children’s social skills and good family relationships.’

So next time the dinner has just finished cooking and you are all ready to go and sit in front of the T.V, why not set the table and enjoy some good quality family time?

How to avoid holiday tension

Emma Hilton — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 08:00:03 +0000

A recent letter featured in the Telegraph tackled the tricky topic of how to avoid tension whilst holidaying with another family.

The Telegraphs relationship expert Sarah Abell highlighted certain ways of ensuring everyone enjoys themselves.

Before you go make sure both families have had the opportunity to discuss their expectations. Everyone wants different things from their holiday and whereas some may like to lay in the sun reading a good thriller others may want to go hiking up a mountain. If you all know where you stand you can ether decide to compromise and try each others activities or have a couple of days where you all do your own thing or both.

If you decide to compromise and try out each other activities then be gracious. Yes, perhaps an 8 mile trek in the blistering heat to a monastery on a hillside isn’t your cup of tea but don’t complain and watse your time wishing you were doing something else because quite frankly, no one likes a whiner! Also remember that there will be days when you will definitely be doing what you want.

In terms of eating arrangements agree on whats happening before you go. Perhaps your family are on a budget holiday and would prefer to cook from the villa/cottage/apartment etc and your friends have saved up some spending money for a week of no cooking luxury. This is fine as long as you make each other aware of your intentions. If children are involved take shared responsibility. Perhaps one couple could make the children a nice home cooked meal whilst the other enjoys a romantic night out alone and vice versa.

If you are on a budget make this clear from the beginning to avoid embarrassment in the future. You certainly won’t look back fondly on the holiday which saw you splitting an expensive dinner bill 50/50 when you ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, or when you had to shell out for an expensive excursion. Perhaps make a small kitty for essentials such as toiletries and basics such as bread and milk.

Perhaps one family is very laid back in terms of clearing up, shopping and small jobs. If this is something you can envisage annoying you then set up a little rota to keep things fair and to get the children involved.

Be flexible, both parties will have a set of rules at home and for the sake of harmony both should relax them a little over the holidays. Decide before you go what your not prepared to compromise on, e.g. children’s bedtimes.

Finally, if children are involved then focus solely on disciplining your own. Giving your friends parenting tips will not go down well as nobody likes to be told how to bring up their children. If an awkward situation arises where yours friends child starts a spat with yours then instead of disciplining them or disapprovingly asking their own parents to step in, simply whisk your own child away.

Try and maintain a good sense of humour, letting things that would usually wind you up go over your head. After all this is only one-two weeks of your life.

A guide to toxic friendships

Emma Hilton — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 13:56:19 +0000

A recent letter featured in the Telegraph broached the subject of how to deal with a very clingy friend.

The author of the letter had found herself in a difficult situation as she felt one of her friends was beginning to rely on her a little too much. Constant phone calls, frequent unannounced visits, demands to meet up all the time, talking about herself and her problems and then not listening to advice had left the friend on the receiving end of all this feeling drained of time and energy, neglecting her other friends, dreading answering the phone or door but feeling guilty and concerned about what this friend might do if she severed the ties.

The response from the Telegraphs relationship expert Sarah Abell gave some useful advice on what to do when a relationship becomes toxic.

Friendship is very much a two way street and though at times you may be more of a giver than a receiver, there will also be times when you’ll be mostly all take and no give and this system works extremely well because you will both have ‘good memories, good will and good loyalty to draw on’ says Abell, meaning in the end it all works out relatively. However, in toxic relationships such as the one in question, the relationship is completely unbalanced.

Abell goes onto say that although many people will have unbalanced relationships in their lives, as there will always be those who find it hard to help themselves, it is important to build strong boundaries.

This means learning and feeling comfortable with saying “no” when necessary, being clear about when something is inconvenient for you and you haven’t got the time, not answering the phone when your busy and returning the call when it is more convenient.

If the situation persists you may need to let the friend know that you can’t give her as much time as you have been because there are other people in your life you have been neglecting recently. Book in a specific date to meet up, on your terms and be sure to stretch out the time between meetings so you don’t fall back into the same routine.

If upon meeting up they continually repeat the same problem as they have always done, Abell advises asking what they are going to do differently to change the situation and if this fails simply say it would be great to discuss something else.

Finally remember that you are not the only person who can help and if you are seriously worried a friend might be suffering with depression then urge them to seek professional help from a GP.

Do whatever it is you need to re-energise yourself and get your zest back because the stronger you feel the better position you will be in to help your friend and keep the new boundaries in place.

Marriage does not make relationships stable, says IFS think tank

Emma Hilton — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 08:00:43 +0000

According to an influential think thank , marriage does not make parents relationships more stable, reports the Telegraph.

Though studies have found that married couples have more stability in their relationships than couples who simply cohabit, this is not because they are married and is more to do with the characteristics that have lead the couple to marriage.

Researchers from the Institute for Fiscal Studies has claimed that couples who opt to marry are generally older, educated to a higher standard and wealthier than those who have children out of wedlock and the fact that married couples are less likely to separate than couples cohabiting has very little to do with the ‘benefits’ of marriage.

The government has recently invested much time and energy into promoting marriage, a campaign which could see a shadow cast upon it after these new developments.

Research economist from the IFS, Ellen Greaves said “The evidence suggests that much of the difference in relationship stability between married and cohabiting parents is due to pre-existing differences between the kinds of people who get married before they have children, compared to those that cohabit.”

If you are experiencing problems in a relationship, whether you are married, unmarried or simply not getting along with a friend, colleague or family member, relationship coaching is something which could be of great benefit to you. A relationship coach can help individuals discover the voids and expectations they have of their relationships and will help them to move forward with positivity. For more information on Relationship Coaching click here.

Treat people as you would like to be treated

Emma Hilton — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 14:13:51 +0000

Website 10 minute tips always manages to come up with fantastic snippets of advice which can be easily implemented in everyday life. A recent tip from the website made a great suggestion which may seem obvious but it is all too easily forgotten.

The saying “do as you would be done by” may not be as commonly used now as it has been in the past but if you abide by that rule you won’t go wrong. Often we become so wrapped up in our own issues that we forget that our loved ones, colleagues etc deserve love and respect. It is only natural to be irritable and snappy after a tiring day at work but remember that the more you treat people in a disrespectful manner the more you will distance yourself from them.

All adults are capable of empathy and though its sometimes difficult to put ourselves into another persons shoes try to remember that everyone wants respect but each of us asks for it in different ways.

If you frequently snap and yell at your children or talk to your partner like they are incompetent then don’t be surprised if you are met with a rude and unmanageable response. Be aware of the tone of voice you are using and make sure you use your P’s and Q’s. Basically treat people as you would like to be treated and though it may mean occasionally biting your tongue it will be worth it in the long run.

How to end a relationship that isn’t working

Emma Hilton — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 08:00:02 +0000

It is very easy to become stuck in a relationship that isn’t necessarily working, they offer security, companionship, entertainment and closeness and often it is the thought of giving those things up that keeps us from throwing in the towel.

If you think your relationship is nearing it’s end then the first thing you need to do is establish whether or not you are simply experiencing a little turbulence or if indeed it really is over.

Initially most relationships will experience a natural honeymoon period, where each of you are still enjoying getting to know each other and aren’t yet aware of one another’s bad habits. When you do begin to notice irritating little traits and habits it can come as a shock and there is always a temptation to end things early on at the first sign of a problem. However it is important to remember that even the best relationships need work and recognising and resolving differences it what makes you stronger as a couple.

However, the above may not be relevant to those who are certain they are no longer in love with this person anymore. If you really can’t envisage yourself being in a long term relationship with them anymore then it is time to end the relationship. This is not an easy thing to and once the decision has been made it is best to implement it as soon as possible.

If you have decided to end a relationship then do it gently and kindly. If you consider how you would like to be told ‘texting’ would definitely not enter the equation nor would ‘email’ or a ‘facebook/twitter update’. Be respectful and if it is not possible to meet face to face at least do it over the phone so that you can have a two way conversation.

Don’t cop out and let someone else give them the news, nor should you leave a person guessing by simply letting a relationship fizzle out. Instead be clear and concise about why you want to break up and even if your reason is because your former partner is lazy, unambitious, irritating etc try to be gentle and try not to make it into a list of their faults.

Give them the opportunity to take in what you are saying and to ask questions if they have any. To you this is something you have been thinking about for some time but to them this may come as a complete shock.

Ether during the discussion or a couple of days down the line when they have had time to think it is a good idea to begin discussing practicalities. For instance if you are living together you will need to decide who is moving out and when? How will joint possessions be divided? Will you stay in contact?

It is also essential that you are very clear and very firm so as not to give false hope of rekindling the relationship. The truth hurts but lies hurt even more. An excuse such as you have too many work commitments or you don’t want to get married may leave hope alive for a reconciliation.

Read the original article here.

Reduce the pain of divorce

Emma Hilton — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 08:00:57 +0000

The break up of a long term relationship can be extremely painful, a pain which only grows with the dividing and deconstructing of a life together, children, finances and your home. It is understandable that the last person you will want to sit down with for a rational conversation is your ex partner, but things need to be resolved and there are ways of making the process more bearable.

First and foremost if it is possible to avoid getting the law involved then this is the best path to follow. Many couples seek legal action post break-up as they feel that things should be distributed fairly. However the process is lengthy and won’t only drain your finances but your emotions too. Unfortunately in many cases things turn bitter and resentful if the judge imposes an order that doesn’t reflect what you had wanted.

Where possible seek help from a mediator. A mediator is an asset in a situation such as this as they will discourage emotional baggage and instead will enable couples to focus on the practical issues which need resolving. They will also help you to come to an ‘agreement’ regarding custody and visitation of the children, finances, the house, material goods etc and once an understanding has been reached an ‘agreement’ can be drawn up and given to the couples respective lawyers.This can then become a court order if the couple wish.

It is essential that the process see’s that both partners are heard. Often one party may feel ‘unacknowledged’ and this only leads to harsh words said in the heat of the moment which ultimately results in no closure being reached. Mediation will help to prevent these kinds of uncomfortable encounters and will instead make sure each person is heard so a conclusion can be reached.

After mediation is complete each party can liaise with their own solicitors to discuss whether the understanding they are reaching will stand up in court. The solicitor will be able to offer advice on what is on offer and therefor if the ‘agreement’ is given the thumbs up it has been done so with the benefit of legal advice.

If you are going through a difficult divorce or breakup and would like to seek the help of a coach then please use the search tool on the homepage of this site to locate a coach in your area. For more information on divorce coaching click here.